As much as each anniversary hurts my Momma heart so deeply, I could never trade those memories and special heavy grief days for more “pain free” days. It hurts because I knew him, and I love him. And, given the same options, I’d choose him again, even if it meant losing him.
When you lose a child, you expect that your grief will last forever. The same type of grief that debilitates you, and feels like your heart is constantly being stabbed. You want to feel the pain, but you also beg for just a moment when it would stop. But, it doesn’t remain forever; and that also feels like betrayal on so many levels.
You somehow keep living in the same moments you wanted to escape from only a few years ago. It’s a step forward, a shaking off of the grief; the same grief you held onto so tight to survive. We had Thomas, and he needed us to keep moving forward. He gave us hope, that there could still be good in our shattered world, and that helped me tremendously, more than he’ll ever know.
And, as with anything in life there are always two sides to every story. Nothing is perfect. But there has also been a lot of healing. I am so blessed and thankful for every step and moment that has brought me to this admittedly good place; a place in which I am genuinely happy. It took some time, and there were a lot of people praying for me (and some that still are). I stayed hopeful that one day God would do something beautiful in me. He allowed me to be mother again, and I am beyond grateful for allowing Marlowe into my life. She is truly our beautiful bright shining rainbow that brings us so much joy.
If there is anything I could say to a recent loss Momma, it would be that I am truly, deeply sorry. Your world will never be the same. It will take time to learn to live a normal life when one of the most beautiful parts of you is missing. There will be days where it will hurt to breathe the air your precious baby does not. Cry, yell, and scream, whatever you need – but heal. Better days are ahead, I promise.
I didn’t think I’d make it to where I am now three years ago. I didn’t think I’d survive, but I’m so glad I was wrong.
Isaac, I still think of you every single day. Thank you for allowing me to be your Momma. I’ll continue doing all I can to ensure that you aren’t forgotten, and I’ll continue trying to make you proud. Happy 3rd birthday in heaven my beautiful boy. I love you.