Your Due Date

Today was your due date Isaac.  I knew this day would come, but I still feel so unprepared for it.  You should be here by now.  I should be cradling you in my arms, feeding you, being up all hours of the night with you, watching you sleep, and memorizing your tiny features.  And falling completely in love all over again. 

I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sad you’re not here.  I miss what should have been.  I miss what I had dreamed up for us. I know it’s silly, but with your due date passing I feel like I have to say goodbye all over again.  I feel like this goodbye is more final somehow. 

To add salt to the open wound I know several people who have had babies in the past few weeks, or that are due within the next week.  I’m not bitter towards them, and am actually happy for them, but it does make me feel like I’ve failed you even more somehow. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.  I’m sorry you never got to see the love we have for you on our faces.  I’m sorry I never got to see your smile or hear your giggle.  But, I’m hoping you felt how much you were loved when I would sing to you, or talk to you when we were alone.  I hope you know the love your dad had for you when he would kneel down and talk to you and tell you how excited he was to meet you.  I hope you felt the kisses your brother gave you every morning when I would leave for work.  I hope you know we prayed for you every night.  You were, and forever will be so loved sweet boy.

Happy due date my little one.  You’re thought about all of the time and you will never be forgotten.  

A month.

 It's been a month. 

A long emotional month since we lost you.  A month of denial, anger, and sadness.  A month of the worst pain of my life. A month of the darkest days imaginable. A month of feeling lonely when I was surrounded by people. 

A month since I was told I had to do the unimaginable and give birth to you.  Knowing I would never hear you cry or see you smile. Knowing I would never truly know you. 

A month of questions. Why us?  Why you?  What did we do wrong?  Why couldn't I save you?  Why were we given a perfect pregnancy and so much hope only to have it taken away?  Why can't we catch a break?  Why does it seem like everyone else has moved on and I don't know how?  

I don't have a single answer to those questions. Believe me I wish I did. Somehow, I think if I had any answers at all I'd feel better, but deep down I know that isn't true.

I feel like everyone is secretly watching me to see if I'm going to fall apart. The truth is they're not looking at me for that reason (I hope). They are probably just looking at me and feel bad that this happened and are sad for me, but don't have a clue what to say. Trust me, there's nothing anyone could say to make this any better.  Hell, I don't even know what to say. Other than this sucks and doesn't seem fair. 

But we're trying. Trying to move on. Taking one day at a time.  Trying to continue loving those around us.  Trying not to be afraid of what could happen next to someone else close to us. Trying to choose love instead of anger. 

And last but not least, we've seen that this has been a month of full of love, love poured out by so many people. Oh Isaac, you touched so many people in your short little life. If anything, your life showed us how many people completely surround us and let us lean on them. Without question. Without judgment. Without hesitation. 

I don't know the real reason you were taken from us, and I most likely never will.  But when we do see you again, sweet boy, know that you are loved. So, so loved. 

October

It’s the first day of October and I have extremely mixed feelings about it.  October is normally my favorite month in Indiana.  The leaves start changing, the air gets a little more crisp and colder, and it’s officially fall, which is my favorite season.

I have been looking forward to fall since we decided to move back to Indiana in January.  This would be the first time I would technically feel fall weather in ten years since we moved to CA.  That anticipation was only made better by finding out we were going to have baby number two in October as well. 

With the sudden loss of our son in September at 34 weeks pregnant, I’m feeling sad about this October as my due date approaches.  This was supposed to be the month our boy was born and our lives were forever changed again for the better.  However, now I’m just looking at the due date on the calendar filled with sadness.  Our lives were forever changed, just different.

 

About six weeks before we lost our son we were visiting a church and the pastor preached on Job.  That man had many trials and most people would have been angry at God, but he said to his angry wife in Job 2:10 “But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak.  Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”  It was unknown to me at the time why, but I saved that verse in my phone so I would remember it.  Well, fast forward six weeks, and while in the hospital I remembered that verse.  We can’t tell God to use us and then expect only good things as that’s not how it works.  I don’t know why this happened, and maybe never will, but I’m believing that good things can come from this somehow. 

There will most likely be some sad days surrounding the date that I’m dreading, but I refuse to let this keep me down.  There have been daily reminders that God is there for me and I’m not alone.  I just have to trust that better things are coming for us. 

So October, let’s be friends and make amazing memories to replace the sad ones that are already lingering.

Isaac

Isaac

I miss you every minute of every single day
I hate that I’ll never see you smile
I think of all the things I’ll never hear you say
I’d give anything to have you back even for just a little while

I hate that your brother never got to meet you
and that your grandparents never got to spoil you
I hate that your dad and I missed out on all of the memories
but somehow we will all make it through

You are in a better place
Even though that’s not how it feels
but we’re trying to get through this with grace
until one day the reason this happened is revealed

Watch over us and keep us safe, or at least try
and know you’re loved more than words could say
Even if there ever comes a day that we no longer cry
in our hearts you’ll forever stay

Normal?

Our house was filled with people for days after we got the horrible news of losing our son.  After a week or so the people started thinning out, and now things are back to “normal” as they’ve all gone home, and I’m back at work.  Sometimes it feels as though the world kept going and I’m stuck in this spot trying to figure out how to move on.  How do I figure out what my new normal is supposed to be?  I know that people still care immensely about Tom and I, as we’re still receiving cards daily with words of encouragement and love.  No one knows what to say, and honestly, there’s nothing anyone can say that will make this better.  No amount of words will ever take this pain away. 

This is the type of pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  I actually don’t have any enemies that I know of, now that I think about it.  But, if I did have enemies, this is too horrible to wish on them.  I don’t know how to explain how it feels other than saying it feels like a small part of my heart died when Isaac did. 

I was worried while pregnant with Isaac that I wouldn’t be able to love him as much as I did Thomas.  I couldn’t imagine how that was even possible.  After having him, even with never meeting him it’s completely possible.  I’ve always heard that when you have another child it’s like another part of your heart opens up and the love comes pouring in.  I now strongly believe that’s how it happens. 

I also know that if we ever decide to have another baby that it won’t replace him.  I’ve already had people tell me this.  Don’t you think I realize that?  Nothing will ever bring my little boy back.  I know people have the best intentions and are trying to help, but saying that is just hurtful.  The thought of having another baby is just that right now; a thought.  And even having that thought brings me a tiny glimmer of hope.  And hope is what is helping me try to begin to move forward. 

There’s no handbook on how to move forward, or how to feel.  I sometimes wish there was, because that would help, but there’s not one because each person has to deal and grieve in their own way.  I’m doing the best I can.  Each morning when I wake up and get dressed and go throughout my day I’m doing the best I can.  There are moments I think I can’t do this anymore, but I have an amazing husband and little boy at home that both need me.  That’s keeping me going. 

The other thing that keeps me going is knowing that our little boy is safe and is being taken care of where he is.  God has him by his side, and I imagine telling him stories.  The stories I’ll never get to tell him.  I know God doesn’t make mistakes, and I may never know what the reason for losing my son is, but I have to believe that there is a reason.  I may not always like it, and I might get angry some days, but deep down I know that he’s in a better place.  He never felt pain, or at least I hope he didn’t. 

If you’re still reading, I’m sorry for the rambling.  But, if you are still reading I’ll leave you with this:  Life is too short to hold grudges or be upset with someone.  Forgive them and move on.  It’s not worth it.  Try to mend broken relationships, that person might be gone before you get the chance again.  Tell the people you love them as often as you can.  Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. 

Isaac – I carried you every second of your life and will love you every second for the rest of mine. 

Slow down little guy! He's 2!

I'm not really sure how so much time goes by between blog posts.  I have this idea in my head that I will blog consistently, but that never seems to happen.  I know we all get the same 24 hours in a day, so maybe I just need to manage mine better?  Ha!

Anyway, between this and my last blog my boy turned 2 years old!  I still can't comprehend that one.  There are days it seems like he's been around forever, and then there are days where I feel like he could only be a few months old.  

For his birthday we threw him a milk mustache and cookies party, and it was so much fun!  He wanted nothing to do with the party though, as it was held at his current favorite park.  He didn't understand why he wasn't allowed to go swing and play on the playground.  He also had absolutely no interest in opening presents so Mom and Dad had to take turns doing it for him.  Overall, it was a great day and so many people came out to celebrate our little man.

I'm also going to just throw this out there - teething stinks.  He has been so miserable for the past few days.  Thankfully we don't remember this part of our lives or we'd be traumatized.  I'm only hoping that this one will cut through soon and he won't be in pain anymore.

The newest thing he says now all of the time is "okay".  That's his answer for yes.  "Are you okay?" - "Okay."  It's so cute how he is learning to create 2-3 word sentences.  

Hopefully it won't be as long next time before I do this again.  :)

Being a Mom

As Mother's Day is upon is I thought I would list some things that surprised me most about being a mom:

• Babies don't stay for babies for long.
• I've learned what love and sacrifice mean.
• It gives me the tiniest glimpse into what grace means.
• Love is deeper, wider, and stronger than I ever thought possible.
• Love covers up so much brokenness.
• Caffeine is a life saver (too bad I quit having it six weeks ago).
• Folded laundry is a triumph (and slightly over-rated).
• I have no clue what I'm doing and that's okay.
• How truly right my mom was all along.
• I'm surprised by how much Thomas's giggles, dance moves, and sloppy kisses make my heart want to explode.
• I was amazed at how quickly I could fall in love.
• I knew I would love him, but I had no idea how much I would genuinely enjoy being around him.
• I never knew how much love my heart could hold, to the point I feel like it overflows at times.
• How amazing my child has become (already!) in spite of my flaws.  He came from heaven this way and how I haven't massively screwed him up is nothing short of miraculous.
• I'm in awe of how much he has already taught me about myself, life, and loving people without holding back.
• How unimportant most of the "important" things in life are.

If there's one thing that I've learned in being a mom for almost two years is that this is the role I was made for.  That boy is the light of my life and I'm so, so blessed to be his Momma.  

Happy Mother's Day to all of my Mom friends - I hope you're all feeling equally as loved and appreciated, not just on Mother's Day, but every day of the year.