Our house was filled with people for days after we got the horrible news of losing our son. After a week or so the people started thinning out, and now things are back to “normal” as they’ve all gone home, and I’m back at work. Sometimes it feels as though the world kept going and I’m stuck in this spot trying to figure out how to move on. How do I figure out what my new normal is supposed to be? I know that people still care immensely about Tom and I, as we’re still receiving cards daily with words of encouragement and love. No one knows what to say, and honestly, there’s nothing anyone can say that will make this better. No amount of words will ever take this pain away.
This is the type of pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I actually don’t have any enemies that I know of, now that I think about it. But, if I did have enemies, this is too horrible to wish on them. I don’t know how to explain how it feels other than saying it feels like a small part of my heart died when Isaac did.
I was worried while pregnant with Isaac that I wouldn’t be able to love him as much as I did Thomas. I couldn’t imagine how that was even possible. After having him, even with never meeting him it’s completely possible. I’ve always heard that when you have another child it’s like another part of your heart opens up and the love comes pouring in. I now strongly believe that’s how it happens.
I also know that if we ever decide to have another baby that it won’t replace him. I’ve already had people tell me this. Don’t you think I realize that? Nothing will ever bring my little boy back. I know people have the best intentions and are trying to help, but saying that is just hurtful. The thought of having another baby is just that right now; a thought. And even having that thought brings me a tiny glimmer of hope. And hope is what is helping me try to begin to move forward.
There’s no handbook on how to move forward, or how to feel. I sometimes wish there was, because that would help, but there’s not one because each person has to deal and grieve in their own way. I’m doing the best I can. Each morning when I wake up and get dressed and go throughout my day I’m doing the best I can. There are moments I think I can’t do this anymore, but I have an amazing husband and little boy at home that both need me. That’s keeping me going.
The other thing that keeps me going is knowing that our little boy is safe and is being taken care of where he is. God has him by his side, and I imagine telling him stories. The stories I’ll never get to tell him. I know God doesn’t make mistakes, and I may never know what the reason for losing my son is, but I have to believe that there is a reason. I may not always like it, and I might get angry some days, but deep down I know that he’s in a better place. He never felt pain, or at least I hope he didn’t.
If you’re still reading, I’m sorry for the rambling. But, if you are still reading I’ll leave you with this: Life is too short to hold grudges or be upset with someone. Forgive them and move on. It’s not worth it. Try to mend broken relationships, that person might be gone before you get the chance again. Tell the people you love them as often as you can. Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone.
Isaac – I carried you every second of your life and will love you every second for the rest
of mine.
