God has a plan...

If you know me at all, you know that I am a plan every detail of everything, I make lists and I am (kind of) a control freak.  Well, recently as I stated in my previous blog I feel like even bigger changes are coming in our lives.  I'm not sure exactly what it could be, but I have some ideas.  So, as scary and overwhelming as some of those thoughts might be, I know that in the end God has a plan for my family.  The biggest questions are - "Am I strong enough to go wherever that plans takes me?"  "Do I trust in God enough to know that it's all going to work out?"  

Those are the questions I think about at least once a day (sometimes several hundred times, but who is counting) and I'm learning that each day it's becoming easier to trust that it's all going to be okay.  One song that I've become obsessed with recently has helped me put words into how I was feeling when I couldn't come up with words.  

"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me, You've never failed and You won't start now."    

"Take me deeper than me feet could ever wander."

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders."

"My soul will rest in your embrace - I am yours and You are mine."

Here is the video of the song.  I just can't get enough of it!

Random Thoughts to Clear My Mind

Being real and completely honest with people is hard.  Especially when you know what you have to say might hurt them.  

I've learned some things over the past week that are hard to take and process.  It's hard to understand how and why this could have happened and how I missed all of the signs before.

I've been thinking about babies lately.  Like, a lot.  And it's like something clicked with everyone else too, as it seems anyone and everyone is now asking when and if we will have a second baby.  The answer - yes, that is the plan.  Just not now.

I miss my family.  A ton.  Some days are better than others, but when I think about them missing out on all of Thomas's "firsts" or accomplishments it makes me sad.  

We are going to visit Tom's family for two weeks in February.  We haven't seen most of them for two years and only his dad and sister have met our awesome boy.  Looking forward to that.

I have a lot on my mind about "Where should we be?"  "Where does the Lord want us to be?"  "Am I content with how things are and the way they are going?"  

I have an awesome husband that understands and "gets" me.  He knows when to give me space to process things.  At the same time, he also knows when it's acceptable (in my mind, that's never) to tell me that I'm over-reacting and should move on.  

I have a little boy that thinks that the world revolves around me.  As much as he loves Tom as his daddy, he wants me most of the time.  At the beginning I felt that it was my job to reinforce to Tom how much Thomas loved him too.  Now, I realize that this little boy loves both of us, and in different ways.  If he's not feeling well, or is tired, or is upset, or if he just wants a kiss or hug he comes to me.  If he's feeling playful or wants to be rough he goes to Tom.  So, I've decided that on days I feel not "good enough" as his Momma, I have to remind myself that God chose me to be that little boys world.  Yes, I'll make mistakes, but that's okay.  I just need to keep going and be there for his cuddles, kisses and hugs.

Things are changing in our church and with our church family in a huge way.  I have no idea how to process most of this and I have no idea where our family is supposed to go or if we're to continue where we are.  We're just praying that doors would open or a path will be shown to us.  

I guess that's all that is going through my mind currently.  If you read all of that, I'm impressed and feel sorry for you.  But, thanks for letting me get it all out.  

Goodbye, 2013

I always feel a little funny on the last day of the year. Part of me is excited at the possibility of a clean slate. I don't exactly make resolutions, but I do set goals for myself, and some of the time I actually accomplish them. I'm usually pretty excited to leave the hard things of the year behind. The setbacks, the worries, the pain, well, I hope it will stay put and not follow me into the new year. Which is really naive of me, but I digress.

 

On the other hand, New Year's Eve is weird for me. I spend the entire day feeling a little uneasy, a little unsure. What is to become of 2014? Should I worry? Will I be able to handle it? All of it's challenges, all of it's hurdles? Should I curl up in a ball and pretend nothing is changing? Should I stop trying to grow, stop trying to get stronger? Sounds good to me.

 

But it's not.

 

2013 was a good year, but had it's challenges as well.  There was pain.  There was fear.  There was not feeling like a "good enough" mom.  There was missing our families.  BUT, there was love.  There was never ending support from Tom.  There was SO MUCH love from our little boy.  There were first steps.  There were first "words".  There were first kisses. And I felt closer to God than ever before.  I thought I couldn't do it, and He carried me all year long. Where there was fear, He was there.  He sent a women that loved me like a sister. She held my hand, prayed for me and with me, and said "You are strong and you can get through this."

 

If 2013 was a mountain, it was the one of the highest  I've ever climbed. But it also had the best views, without a doubt. 

 

My word for 2014 is peace. That's my goal, that's what I want to strive for. Peace in my heart, peace in my mind. Less worry, more peace. More realizing that giving up this facade of control is the best thing I can do. Realizing that peace in my heart is a gift I can give my family. That they want their wife/Momma to be an instrument of peace, not a giant ball of stress.   

 

Here's to a new year of love, joy, and peace, and asking big things of God this year and knowing I won't regret it.