Dear Isaac,
I can now say that I’ve handled all of the “firsts” that can happen in the first year since losing you. I’ve gone through every holiday, your due date, baby announcements, births, and of course, now your first birthday in heaven. I thought I’d be in a different spot by now. I don’t even know exactly where I thought I would be, but this wasn’t it. I still have more questions than answers, and some days I feel completely lost.
I think of you every single day (all day), and I miss you like crazy. I keep thinking of what we should be doing with you at each age. You would be most likely walking by now. It’s those little things that are the hardest. It wasn’t just losing you a year ago, we lost out on every single milestone you should be having. That’s the hardest part because most people don’t understand that. They assume since we didn’t know you that we’re okay, and we should have moved on by now. Instead of planning your first birthday party, I’m trying to hold onto every kick I felt, and every memory I have instead.
Your brother, Thomas, talks about you all of the time. You never got to meet him, but he’s also an amazing boy. He tells me that you talk to him, and that you’re happy with Jesus. That breaks my heart. Over and over again. He loves you and wanted you here from the moment we told him about you. He also uses you as an excuse not to do things. He says “my brother says I don’t have to take a nap.” At the beginning that was tough to hear, but now I realize he’s having the only kind of relationship with you that he can. And, for what it’s worth, who am I to say that he doesn’t actually see you or talk to you? And, even if he doesn’t, I’m not taking that away from him.
Isaac, if this first year is any indication, I doubt the hole in my heart will ever go away. That place is there especially for you, and even if you’re not here nothing or anyone will ever take your place.
Your passing brought your dad and me closer, as we were both strong for each other during our darkest days. I’ve heard it said that child loss either strengthens a couple or tears them apart and thankfully your dad and I are stronger than ever.
Your headstone was finally placed a couple of weeks ago. It took us almost seven months before we could even talk about what we wanted it to say. I guess it felt like the final thing we had to do, and we just weren’t ready. Well, it was placed about two weeks ago, and we knew we’d wait to go see it until your first birthday. We hope you like it, birthday boy.
Just because we’ve not handled all of the “firsts” doesn’t mean we’ve forgotten. Quite the opposite my boy. We love you, and we always will. You’re still wanted, and missed so much.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-4
"For everything there is a season, and time for every matter under heaven; a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance."
I so hope you're dancing in heaven my boy.
xoxo
Mommy
