Facebook

If I’ve learned anything over the past three months, it’s that Facebook is a minefield for me.  I’ll just be scrolling along just checking out what’s going on in the lives of friends or acquaintances, and then the next thing I know I’m a sobbing ball of emotions before I even understand what just happened. 

For instance, last night I was checking Facebook before I went to sleep, like I do almost every night.  I was completely fine until I saw that one of my friends little girl had a birthday, which then made me realize it was the 8^th…which made me realize it had now been exactly three months since I lost Isaac…which led me to count the weeks that he’s been gone….13. 

That is the moment when I completely broke down and became a ball of uncontrollable emotions, and it wasn’t pretty.  I finally realized I wasn’t recovering from this sudden outburst so I asked Tom to come lay with me, and hold me.  While lying there I told him quite frankly, and probably louder than necessary “This isn’t fair!”  I was acting just like a toddler throwing a tantrum when they don’t get their way, and I couldn’t help it or stop it.  I had gone from sad to angry, angry to feeling empty, feeling empty to helpless, helpless to sad, and eventually from sadness to acceptance.  Tom has a way of helping me see things from a different perspective, and calming me down like no one else, and I am so thankful for that.  

While drifting to sleep, after I had gained some composure, I started wondering if Facebook was a minefield for other people as well.  What about the single person that constantly sees pictures of happy couples?  Or, people like me, who now see pictures of newborns and pregnancy announcements and makes me long for my baby?  Or what about the person who just lost someone or an animal close to them, and then sees pictures of others being happy with their people and animals?  What about the people that always seem to have their lives together, are always happy, and seem to have the perfect lives?  Do any of these instantly turn you into a jealous, angry ball of emotions as well?   Oh, just me?

Before losing Isaac I never considered how other people viewed my life based on random posts and square pictures online.  If I looked at my profile, I would think I have my life put together and have the perfect child, and was always happy, but is that really how my life is?  Absolutely not.  It seems I’ve fallen into the trap of only showing what I want others to see…which isn’t how life is.  Not even close.  If I’m being honest, like most of us, we only post the good, and I refuse to do that anymore, because our lives are filled with the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The last thing I want is for other people to think I have this life thing all figured out and am in control of my emotions and feelings all the time.  That’s definitely not true.  Case in point - see above when I acted like a toddler throwing a fit. 

Going forward, I’m going to challenge myself to post on Facebook with whatever I’m feeling, whether I’m angry, sad, depressed, happy, excited, and every emotion in between…and be my true self.   If you’re on my friends list I trust you enough to be vulnerable with who I really am.  And I will continue to look at your lives through posts and do my best not to be jealous of you because I’m sure your life is just as flawed as mine…even if we don’t always show it.  

The Holidays...

I made it through Thanksgiving, barely.  We visited Tom’s brother Richard and his wife Becky and their daughter Lana last weekend for Thanksgiving.  I think that distraction helped me through the day.  Thanksgiving is normally my favorite holiday as you mainly spend time with friends and family and focus on family instead of the expectations of gifts that comes with Christmas. 

Usually one of my favorite things to do on Thanksgiving is to go around the room and have everyone say something they are thankful for.  Well, I definitely wasn’t going to suggest we do that this year.  Don’t get me wrong – I have a lot of things to be thankful for – I just wasn’t in that frame of mind this time. 

However, we all were asked to write down on paper what we were thankful for this year instead.  I could totally do that!  This way it was one of my favorite things, but it was more private.  Well, that night we all sat around the fire pit and one by one everyone started reading their lists and when they were done they threw it in the fire.  I quickly made myself busy taking care of Thomas, as he wasn’t interested in sitting and listening anyway. 

Well, I got back up to the fire just in time for everyone to be done.  It was pointed out by our niece (who is 8 and doesn’t know what happened) that I hadn’t gone yet and I instantly started crying.  I couldn’t do it.  It was too soon.  See, I listed Isaac as something I was thankful for.  How could I not?  He is also my child.  I just wasn’t ready to share that and say his name in front of everyone.  I knew I would break down as I cried when I wrote his name on my list. 

I’m thankful for the time I did have him.  I’m thankful he showed me how much more love I am capable of.  I’m thankful that Tom and I became closer and planned for our future with him in it.  I’m thankful for the love he brought to our family.  I just couldn’t put that in to words that night.  They all told me they understood and definitely didn’t pressure me to take a turn.  So yes, I made it through the first family focused holiday without my boy…and I will make it through the rest of them…one at a time. 

Also, last Saturday morning Thomas told me that he loves Isaac in my tummy.  It breaks my heart that he doesn’t understand…but how could he?  So I told him that Isaac is in heaven with Jesus and he said “oh, okay” and moved on like it was nothing.  I know he loves his brother and someday he will understand, but it’s so tough knowing he still expects to meet his brother.

With Christmas coming I have very mixed emotions.  This is the first year that Thomas is going to be extremely excited to open presents and experience all the joys of Christmas.  Seeing that joy on his face will help me more than he’ll ever know.  I’m trying to be happy as I buy him gifts that I know he’ll love, but part of me is also sad because I don’t have another son to buy for like I was supposed to. 

Tom and I also decided that sending Christmas cards isn’t going to happen this year.  I don’t even know how to explain it, but it’s just too hard right now.  So please don’t be offended if you don’t get one.  We usually send out over 100, but I don’t know how to do it this year.  Do I send them out and just not acknowledge Isaac like he didn’t exist?  Do I send them out and put some kind of note about our boy that we lost?  But, then, if I do that, our card is a “downer” during the holidays and I don’t want that either.  So, for us, this year we’re not sending them.  It’s just easier on my emotions that way.  And, at this point I have to do what’s best for me and my family and do what helps us heal and continue to move on. 

Moving on doesn’t mean you forget about things or people.  It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living.  So that’s what we’re doing.  Step by step and day by day through these first holidays…and I’m sure at some points…even minute by minute….but we’re not giving up.