Fear and Hope

Hope and Fear

Those are the two words that have surrounded my pregnancy with Marlowe.  It’s a delicate balance, and if I’m not careful I’ll allow myself to go too far one way or the other.  Having lost Isaac the innocence of being pregnant is gone.  Just because I’m pregnant and made it past the first scary twelve weeks doesn’t mean I get to bring a breathing baby home. 

If I’m being honest I’ve found it very hard to be hopeful about this pregnancy.  I don’t want to live that way though.  I want to cherish every moment, as I don’t know when or if this pregnancy will end as well.  That sounds pessimistic, but not a moment goes by that I don’t think and wonder how I’ll survive if it happens again. 

After talking with Tom the other night, and a friend via text this week, I’ve decided I will choose to have hope.  I started by buying my very first thing for Marlowe – a simple outfit.  But, by buying this I’m giving myself permission to have hope.  And that is a scary, and exhilarating thing.  I don’t want to be afraid to bond with her while I’m pregnant.  I don’t want to miss out on anything that she has to offer. 

I’ve also been dealing with the fear that being excited for this baby means that I’ll forget about Isaac.  That will never happen.  And this baby won’t replace him in any way.  He was very much longed for and loved just like Thomas and Marlowe.  We’re still making our way through that storm in our lives, but are enjoying the rays of hope that are coming from being pregnant again. 

A rainbow baby is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm.  When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean that the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath.  What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds.  Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope. 

So over the next few months I will be trying not to live in fear of the what if’s, and know that God has a plan for my life.  Just like He had a plan for Isaac’s and now Marlowe’s life.  I will do my best to not let myself go to that dark place of fear, and stay there.  It’s a scary place, and it’s not where I want to be.  So, fear and hope.  Hope and fear.  If I have to choose, I choose hope.  Hope that someday sooner than later I’ll be holding my living precious baby girl.  

(Marlowe's new outfit)

Marriage

Marriage is hard work. 

Even if you're married to your best friend it is hard. So when it seems you hit EVERY bump in the road, you must hold on to each other tightly and fiercely. 

Marriage is amazing. 

You have a partner to travel life's scariest paths with.  Together we fight the grief and the sorrow. We save each other again and again from the pits of despair. And together we keep wishing and hoping. Trying to make each other's dreams come true. You have someone to laugh with, about nothing and everything all at once. 

Marriage changes. 

This isn't just specific to couples who have lost a child. We change every day. For better and for worse. And we flip flop the two depending on the moment in the day. 

I find that I fall in love with Tom over and over. I fall in love with a new person every time. Sometimes it's the young guy I met at the movie theater, who made me laugh. Then it was watching him become a dad. Reading to my belly and talking to our boys, and now to our little girl. 

After Isaac died I needed Tom more than ever. I fell in love with the man that took care of me and slowly helped pull me out of my fog of grief. He tried so hard to make me laugh in those first few months. Even though his heart was broken too. 

How do you continue loving when your heart is breaking? 

We have our ups and downs. And we fall in love with each other again and again. We fall in love with the new versions of each other. 

We are parents. We are partners. We keep growing and changing. Fighting for our dreams, living for both of our boys, and our little girl that isn't here yet. 

Losing a child changed us forever. We had to learn to cope together. We learned how to rescue each other from sadness. And always, always we held each other up. The one thing that could have torn us apart made us stronger. There's no one else I could have gone through this with. 

• Yes, marriage is hard...but it's also amazing, and I can't wait to see where we are years from now.