Marlowe's Birth Story

I was scheduled to be induced on Sunday, July 16th around 5 pm.  That entire day I was an emotional mess.  I was so worried about leaving Thomas for three nights, how having Marlowe here would affect him, what having a breathing newborn would feel like again, and every other possible thought that could have run through my head.  The day seemed to drag on forever, which was a blessing and a curse.  I was tired, but my mind was too busy to allow me to sleep so I decided to finally pack my hospital bag.  Nothing like waiting until the very last minute.  About an hour before we left both boys and I laid on my bed and talked, and laughed, and laughed some more.  Thomas thought it was funny to tell us that after Marlowe we should have 17 more kids.  He wanted a lot more brothers and sisters.  After we kept laughing his number kept getting higher - all the way up to 9 7 6 kids.  Hearing him laugh and enjoying that last little time as a family of three still brings tears to my eyes.

We dropped Thomas off at my dads house around 3:40, and made it to the hospital and onto the maternity floor by 4:30.  Yes, we were early, but Tom said he'd rather have me there early than run into traffic.  I think he was just anxious to get it all started.  As soon as we dropped Thomas off I started to get excited, and the sadness went away.  Could this be really happening?  Would we bring home a living, crying, breathing baby?  As odd as it sounds, I hadn't let myself believe that was actually going to be our reality during my pregnancy.

We got all checked in and I was hooked up to the machines.  The nurses seemed to be amazing and very nice.  One nurse in particular, Debbie, went out of her way to take great care of us.  It was just Tom and I there until around 6:45 when my Mom got there.  She was going to stay the night and stay until Marlowe was born in case we needed anything.  They started the meds to soften my cervix at 6:30, and told me they'd use that medicine every four hours until I was 2 cm dilated.  Of course, I was only at 1 when we got there.  My OB was on call that night from 6 pm until 6 pm on Monday so I was very excited that he would be the one to deliver her.  It was what I had been praying for. He came in to see me around 7:30 and said he was so relieved we were finally at the hospital being monitored, and he would do everything in his power to get her here safely.

I tried to sleep that night, but no sleep was had.  I was too uncomfortable on that rock hard bed, and nurses came in periodically.  At 2:30 am the anesthesiologist came in to go over all of the risks and questions of the epidural, and the nurse checked and I was 2 cm - I thought things would start moving much quicker and she would be here within the next few hours.  I had no idea. After I hit 2 cm's, they told me they'd see if there were any significant changes on it's own, and if not they would start the pitocin around 5 am.  My contractions were every two minutes at the point, but I wasn't even feeling them.

Pitocin was actually started at 5:30 am.  At 9:15 my doctor came in and checked me and I was between 5-6 cm dilated, and fully effaced so I decided why wait for the pain to get worse, and got the epidural.  That was when my OB also broke my water.  Not sure how after that, but I finally got about an hour nap, which was much needed after not sleeping all night.

Around noon I was checked again and I was 7-8 cm dilated.  They were upping the dosage of my pitocin by 2 every 20 minutes at this point.  The contractions were definitely stronger, as I could feel all of the pressure with the epidural.  Mom and Tom took turns holding my hand during the contractions which was nice.  Not sure I could have done it without them.

At 2:15 I was checked again and I was finally at 9.  That was also the moment I had an emotional breakdown.  We were so close, but I was so afraid something would happen, and we would lose her too.  Tom just held me for what felt like an hour (really only minutes I'm assuming).  My OB came in to see my around 2:30 and said it wouldn't be much longer.

At 3pm exactly my day nurse Kristen came in and checked me.  She said I was at 10, and ready to push.  The next 20 minutes were such a whirlwind.  By 3:05 my OB and two nurses were in the room and I was starting to push.  After one contraction I heard my OB say that she was face up.  Of course any and all of the the horrible possible outcomes came rushing to my mind.  They kept telling me to take deep breaths, but I finally said "I can't get a deep breath!"  I shouldn't have said that because then I had an oxygen mask put on, and I definitely hate those things.  The strong smell of plastic is gross.  I pushed through two more contractions and I could hear my doctor saying stuff but wasn't really focusing on it.  I was turned over on my side, and I had no idea why and didn't push through one of the contractions.  Apparently, (thank you epidural), with every contraction my doctor was turning her around so that she would come out face down like normal.  During the fourth contraction after everything started I heard my doctor say something about a judgement call and he was going to use the vacuum to get her out.  Little did I know that Marlowe's heart rate was dropping with each contraction.  During the fifth contraction (the fourth one I pushed through) she was finally out.  I waited and I swear you could hear a pin drop in the room.  For the first time I looked around and the room was full of doctors, nurses, and two pediatricians.

The next sound was hearing her cry, and I honestly can't even describe the feeling of relief that overtook me.  She was here, and she was alive.  I did it.  She was born at 3:20 - only 20 minutes after it all started, and pushing through four contractions.  I remember looking into Tom's eyes and saw how happy he was.  The tears were there in his eyes as well, and I could tell he felt the relief too.  My OB asked him if he'd like to cut the cord, and with the biggest smile I'd seen from him in a while he said "Absolutely!"

I asked to hold her, and that's when they told me that due to her being face up she had swallowed some fluid, and the pediatricians were working on her.  I just laid there listening to her crying and thought it was one of the best sounds I'd ever heard.

See, after having and losing Isaac the sound of the room when he was born was silent. Not even the doctor or nurses spoke.  So hearing the room buzzing with people cleaning up, her crying, the pediatricians talking, and my OB talking to me while he stitched me up was a completely different feeling.  That's when I started sobbing.  I was instantly releasing every emotion I had held in for I didn't even know how long.  Tom held me again (our new normal) and kept telling me she was beautiful.  I asked if she had hair and was told yes, but they wouldn't be able to tell what color until after she'd had a bath.  Ha!  Tom went over and took a picture of her so I could see her.

While the pediatricians were doing her vitals I heard one of them say "Boy!"  I immediately freaked out and asked if she had said it was a boy.  The room erupted in laughter.  Apparently she had said "oh boy" because Marlowe was such a big baby.  My OB then says while laughing - "Congratulations, your daughter grew a penis!"   The tension was gone at that point, and within a couple of minutes she was on my chest.

She was perfect.  She was beautiful.  She was everything and more that I hoped she would be.  I didn't see or hold her for 25 minutes after she was born, and that felt like the longest moment of my life.  I held her for a little bit, and then I let her Daddy hold her.  To say we were instantly in love is an understatement.

Thomas came up to the hospital a little bit later, and his face lit up seeing her as well.  He even fed her a bottle - he was so proud!!

Thank you to everyone that prayed for us, checked in on us, and sent well wishes.  Our journey with our precious girl has only just begun, and I can't wait to see where it takes us.

Countdown to Baby, with all of my mixed feelings and emotions

So many thoughts running through my mind. Seventeen hours until we're supposed to go to the hospital to be induced.  It's still hard for me to believe we get to bring a baby home this time. 

I worry about Thomas, and how having a baby at home will affect him. Although, truth be told, he will be fine - he's wanted a baby sister since before I was even pregnant. I worry about him being away from us for three nights or so - the longest he'll have been away from us. I worry about him being jealous. 

I wonder how the delivery will go, and if the memories of giving birth to Isaac will pop up, and make me miss him even more. I wonder if it'll happen faster than with Thomas - good lord I hope so. 

I worry about how things will change between Tom and I. Not that I'm worried it won't be good in the end, but lack of sleep is always hard and tempers run shorter than normal.  This is mainly on my part. He's much better about not snapping. 

I wonder what she looks like, what type of temperament she'll have. I wonder if she'll look like her Daddy, her brothers, or me. In the end it doesn't really matter - she'll be beautiful no matter what. 

Just so many emotions and feelings going on tonight. Every day that I've been pregnant this time I've been waiting for the bad news, for the sad look on a doctors face and the words "I'm sorry." 

We've prayed for the baby for so long. It's just hard to believe it's finally time to accept that it's really happening. 

I've had a perfect pregnancy by the books. No gestational diabetes, no blood pressure issues, some swelling, no weight gain (still down 16 pounds from when I got pregnant), but not enough to worry. I wouldn't have been put on bed rest if it wasn't for the anxiety and stress related to losing Isaac. 

Every day I've still been pregnant since June 10th when I hit the 34 week mark is another milestone I made it past. And, as of now, this is the longest I've ever been pregnant. I had Thomas at 39 weeks at 4:05 am. That was this morning. 

I'm proud of my body for what it has done to bring our girl safe. I doubted my body, I doubted I could safely do this without messing up all sorts of things. 

Will she be the right fit for us?  I admit I didn't try to bond with her as much as I should have while she was still inside. That, to me, was keeping my heart guarded in case something happened again. I couldn't let my heart be broken into a million pieces again. So I've done my best, and talked to her, and loved her from afar. It's all I had to give at that moment. She has deserved so much more.   My hope is that I will  able to give her all of the inner parts of me that I've held in since September of 2015. 

In the end what I want is for my family to be complete, and extremely happy. Our goal over the next few days, weeks, and months is that we all come together and bring our family full circle to where we're supposed to be and life will be normal again. 

People have babies every day, and life goes on. I just need to know that this pain, sorrow, desperation, longing, love, and weakness have all been worth it. 

I need to hear her tiny baby cries and hold her, because i think that's when I'll allow all of these walls of fear and uncertainty to fall down, and I'll be so over the moon that our little girl - the one that was chosen for us from her brother Isaac, will finally be ours. It will be time to relax and know our baby girl has finally safely made it home. 

Sweet dreams baby girl - I'll definitely miss these strong kicks and movements, but I'm looking forward to seeing you on the outside so I can hug, and kiss, and hold you for hours. I'll memorize every little part of you that I missed out on doing with your brother. Rest tonight my love because tomorrow night you and I have a lot of work to do. In the end, I pray it's all worth it. I love you so much already. 

~Momma