I know what it’s like to have pain slap you across the face – fierce, cold, and confusing. I know the desperate longing for someone to come close, but the fear of being hurt if they don’t handle you with the deepest care. I get the panic that comes with rejection. I get how a conversation can make your chest cave in and leave you breathless.
And sometimes there’s no space to stop. No time to fall apart or come undone. No one who understands and the despair that no one ever will...what happens when everything inside of you is too complex to even explain?
What happens is one day you can’t stop crying. And the heart-breaking reality sets in that you can’t outrun yourself. And you finally fall flat on your face. Then, the mystery and miracle coexist – death brings life. The bottom of the barrel becomes your lifeline, second chance, and where you start over. Prayer, like breathing, ushers you into grace. Grace wraps you in and out of love. Love, washing over you and making you whole again. And, when you least expect it, you realize you can breathe, and although the pain is still there, you’ve learned to trust that it isn't permanent.
It’s so easy to trust the Lord in the light, but trusting His plan in the dark takes courage, hope, and faith. These are the moments in life when all I can do is breathe and trust. Breathe and trust. These are the moments when our faith is tested the most, and hopefully, these are the moments where our faith will prevail.
If I’ve learned anything over the past fifteen months, it’s that where there is great pain, there is also great love. Even with all of the pain, loneliness, anger, and hurt I would choose Isaac again. Every. Single. Time. The brief time we had with him brought us so much joy, and I wouldn’t want to live without that.
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