I thought I worried about Thomas before... before last Friday when I
heard the awful news of the tragic event in CT. Now, I am a mess. I
have always been a worrier... I get it from my mom. I worry over
just about everything, but I especially worry about my boy. His
health, whether or not he is eating enough, if I am being a good mom
and a good example. I worry about him getting hurt, emotionally and
physically. I worry that I might not be around to see him grow up and
if that is the case, whether or not someone will make sure to tell him
every day how much I love him, how much he was longed for and
wanted, and how he has made me the happiest mom on the face of the earth.
After last Friday, I don't want to ever let him out of my sight. I
just want to hold onto him and try to protect him from everything evil
in this world. I know I can't possibly do that, but after everything I
went through to get him here, with me, I sure do wish it was possible.
I feel guilt for bringing him into a world that has so much evil but I
have been trying to remind myself that there is still much more good
and I need to focus on that. I need to teach Thomas to focus on
that. I have hugged and kissed on him so much over the last few days
that I am sure he is sick of me, but I can't stop. I can't
stop telling him how much I love him and how lucky I feel to be his
mom. He definitely doesn't understand me and he won't remember
at this point, but some day he will be old enough to remember and I
want to take every opportunity I can, so there is never a question in his mind.
The recent tragic events has caused me to reevaluate my life and try to
prioritize things a bit more. I want to be a good example to my son
and be the best possible mom I can be for him because he deserves that
and so much more. My goal is to strive to be better. At everything.
At being a mom. At being patient and understanding. At being more spiritual and doing a
better job of inviting the spirit into our home. I want to be a better
wife and give Tom and Thomas a better home environment. I am all too aware of
the fact that I fought very hard, and prayed even harder to have
children and I owe it to him and to our Heavenly Father to do the best
possible job in raising him.
I can't even imagine what those parents are going through, and I hope I never have to. And though I don't know them personally, all I can do is pray for them. Pray for peace and love to surround them over the next few weeks, months and years as they do something a parent should never have to do.