Random Thoughts to Clear My Mind

Being real and completely honest with people is hard.  Especially when you know what you have to say might hurt them.  

I've learned some things over the past week that are hard to take and process.  It's hard to understand how and why this could have happened and how I missed all of the signs before.

I've been thinking about babies lately.  Like, a lot.  And it's like something clicked with everyone else too, as it seems anyone and everyone is now asking when and if we will have a second baby.  The answer - yes, that is the plan.  Just not now.

I miss my family.  A ton.  Some days are better than others, but when I think about them missing out on all of Thomas's "firsts" or accomplishments it makes me sad.  

We are going to visit Tom's family for two weeks in February.  We haven't seen most of them for two years and only his dad and sister have met our awesome boy.  Looking forward to that.

I have a lot on my mind about "Where should we be?"  "Where does the Lord want us to be?"  "Am I content with how things are and the way they are going?"  

I have an awesome husband that understands and "gets" me.  He knows when to give me space to process things.  At the same time, he also knows when it's acceptable (in my mind, that's never) to tell me that I'm over-reacting and should move on.  

I have a little boy that thinks that the world revolves around me.  As much as he loves Tom as his daddy, he wants me most of the time.  At the beginning I felt that it was my job to reinforce to Tom how much Thomas loved him too.  Now, I realize that this little boy loves both of us, and in different ways.  If he's not feeling well, or is tired, or is upset, or if he just wants a kiss or hug he comes to me.  If he's feeling playful or wants to be rough he goes to Tom.  So, I've decided that on days I feel not "good enough" as his Momma, I have to remind myself that God chose me to be that little boys world.  Yes, I'll make mistakes, but that's okay.  I just need to keep going and be there for his cuddles, kisses and hugs.

Things are changing in our church and with our church family in a huge way.  I have no idea how to process most of this and I have no idea where our family is supposed to go or if we're to continue where we are.  We're just praying that doors would open or a path will be shown to us.  

I guess that's all that is going through my mind currently.  If you read all of that, I'm impressed and feel sorry for you.  But, thanks for letting me get it all out.  

Goodbye, 2013

I always feel a little funny on the last day of the year. Part of me is excited at the possibility of a clean slate. I don't exactly make resolutions, but I do set goals for myself, and some of the time I actually accomplish them. I'm usually pretty excited to leave the hard things of the year behind. The setbacks, the worries, the pain, well, I hope it will stay put and not follow me into the new year. Which is really naive of me, but I digress.

 

On the other hand, New Year's Eve is weird for me. I spend the entire day feeling a little uneasy, a little unsure. What is to become of 2014? Should I worry? Will I be able to handle it? All of it's challenges, all of it's hurdles? Should I curl up in a ball and pretend nothing is changing? Should I stop trying to grow, stop trying to get stronger? Sounds good to me.

 

But it's not.

 

2013 was a good year, but had it's challenges as well.  There was pain.  There was fear.  There was not feeling like a "good enough" mom.  There was missing our families.  BUT, there was love.  There was never ending support from Tom.  There was SO MUCH love from our little boy.  There were first steps.  There were first "words".  There were first kisses. And I felt closer to God than ever before.  I thought I couldn't do it, and He carried me all year long. Where there was fear, He was there.  He sent a women that loved me like a sister. She held my hand, prayed for me and with me, and said "You are strong and you can get through this."

 

If 2013 was a mountain, it was the one of the highest  I've ever climbed. But it also had the best views, without a doubt. 

 

My word for 2014 is peace. That's my goal, that's what I want to strive for. Peace in my heart, peace in my mind. Less worry, more peace. More realizing that giving up this facade of control is the best thing I can do. Realizing that peace in my heart is a gift I can give my family. That they want their wife/Momma to be an instrument of peace, not a giant ball of stress.   

 

Here's to a new year of love, joy, and peace, and asking big things of God this year and knowing I won't regret it.  

Dear T3

Dear 18 Month Old T3

 

3,042 diapers

6,005 bottles

700 baths

156 bananas

20 gallons of apple juice

a few full night’s sleep

92 temper tantrums

1 trip to the ER

100,000 kisses

and unlimited love

 

That’s how we’ve spent the past amazing 18 months.

 

I watched you grow from my precious little baby, 

into my sweet little boy.

You like to do big boy things now.

And like all big boys do, you have a mind of your own.

 

Case in point:

You've always liked food–until recently.  Now you spit out anything you don't like the texture or taste of. I might have cried out of frustration, but a little part of me was excited you have a mind of your own.

 

In fact, I cry at all your “little moments (good or bad)”. The other day I walked in on you "reading a book" all by yourself! And I shed the first of many proud Momma tears.

You have selective hearing. For example, “get out of the kitchen cabinet” means nothing to you, but “let's go bye-bye” has you at the door ready to buckle yourself into the car seat. 

You still drink a bottle…only at night time.

Sometimes when we go to the park, I just take a step back and I watch you…like really get a good look at you…try to get into that little head of yours and see the world through your eyes. And in these moments, I admire your fascination with the all the little things this world has to offer–all the things in this world that you are witnessing for the first time. And then it’s like I am seeing the world for the first time all over again.

I get giddy when I see your wheels begin to turn as you learn something new. And you are always so eager to learn to learn new things, so long as it’s not Momma trying to force you to learn them.

 

You do things in your own way and in your own time, and I am learning to be okay with this.

In 18 short months, you have changed my world,

and I am so proud of the little boy you are becoming!

I love you Pumpkin!

Your Momma  

 

 

It's been a long time...

It's been a long time since I've blogged and honestly it's been so long that I haven't wanted to start writing again.  I feel like I've missed out on writing about so much that part of me doesn't want to start again.  But, here goes nothing.

Thomas is now 17 months old and seeing him is the highlight of my day.  During the week I only see him after I get home from work and to see his face light up makes the days not seem so bad.  

He says quite a few words now, such as:

• Hi
• Bye
• Mama
• Dadda
• Ought Oh
• Fank you (thank you)
• Welcome
• Cracker
• Down
• Up
• Mess
• Love you

I feel like he is the smartest little boy, ever!  But, I'm sure every parent feels that way.  He is the sweetest, most caring, daring little boy I know and I wouldn't change a thing about him.

Yes, he tries my patience and does things he's not supposed to, but that's just his way of learning boundaries and rules.  Or at least I hope it's a phase.  

Tom and I are doing well.  We have so much fun together and I'm amazed that we're still finding new things out about the other person.  We love our new apartment and love the space that we have.  

My brother Joel is coming to visit this Thursday for 9 days!!!  I am so excited to spend time with him.  And to watch him and Thomas play together will be so much fun.  I remember playing with him when he was Thomas's age.  Surreal and it makes me feel old.

I'm cooking my first Thanksgiving meal next week so that should be interesting.  I've never cooked a turkey or sweet potatoes so let's hope nothing gets burnt!  I'll try to post some pictures of that day next weekend.
 
I guess that's the quickest update I can give.  We're all doing great and I will do my best to post more often.  

What I want from life...

What I want out of this life is this: to raise my (current and possibly future) children to love Jesus and to love others. For them to always feel so loved and secure and able to come to me with anything. I want them to ALWAYS, ALWAYS know how loved, treasured and prayed for they are. And I want to be fully present for all of it.

If I get to do that, only that, the rest of my days, it's enough. And you can quote me on that. This is my God-sized dream. And it scares the you know what out of me. My fears? My worries? They are all, ALL centered around somehow failing my children. Which is silly, because I am one VERY flawed, messy human. Of course I will make mistakes. But the anticipation of these mistakes is what keeps me awake at night.

I was asked by a mom friend recently what I hoped to learn in the coming year. My answer was simple (and a little embarrassing). I said I wanted to learn how to not pass down my fears, my worries to my children. I wanted to learn how to make them feel secure when I feel the opposite.

I'm a hypocrite. I tell my son (who can't even comprehend what I'm saying yet) to have faith and to trust Jesus but I don't. Not really. If I did, my fear wouldn't be camped out on my shoulder constantly. I wouldn't be running worst-case scenarios through my mind, because I would truly believe that Jesus would make any worst-case scenario doable. Right now I am a bad advertisement for the faith I know I have deep down, underneath all the lies that tell me this world is way too scary to trust in a God.

So to answer the question, what I want is this:
To show my children that love wins. That Jesus loves us, even when we feel unlovable. That we can trust him, even when logic tells us it's safer to rely on our own understandings. That they are loved, treasured, and adored, not just by their parents and family but by God. I want to be there for their skinned knees and their bike rides and their sibling squabbles. I want to give them birthday parties and Christmas traditions and breakfast every day. I want to kiss their sweet cheeks.  And I want to dance with them at their weddings.

And that's enough for me.  What do you want from your life?

Dear Thomas

Dear sweet son, 

Thanks for letting me be your momma every day. I love it, every second of every day. Today is our first Mother's Day together and I am just head over heals for you, sweetheart. Sure, sometimes things are challenging, like when you wake up at 2 am in the morning and don't want to go back to sleep. But hey, it could be worse. You're the best son a Momma could hope for. I prayed for you for so long, sweetheart. I feel like God made me to be your mom. It's what I'm good at, and it's what I love. 

You won't be a baby much longer. That makes me sad, but I have to say that I am loving getting to know your little  personality. You are so funny, and I share a lot of giggles with you every day. I look forward to the day you call me Mommy and of course I'll probably cry (which will make your Dad laugh). We're a funny bunch, the three of us :). Baby boy, thanks for giving me a reason to celebrate this holiday. It used to bring me sadness, but now I love this special day. You and me, we make a pretty good team. 
Love always, 
Momma

11 Months!

Oh how fast the past eleven months have gone.  It makes me so excited and sad at the same time.  Next month you will be one years old and I'm not quite sure I'll be able to handle that just yet.  More on that later.  Ha!  Thomas has made me the proudest I have ever been - watching him grow and learn new things has been amazing.

At 11 months Thomas:

• Loves Cheerios
• Can feed himself bite size things off his tray
• Loves to "drink" out Momma's water bottle. (And by drink I mean spill it everywhere).
• Walks around furniture all the time.
• Is a super fast crawler!
• Tries any food you put in his mouth.  His favorites are tuna, strawberries, avocado and ranch dressing.  Ha!
• Is wearing 12 month clothes.
• Wore shoes for the first time and hated them.  
• Got his own bedroom when we moved into our two bedroom apartment.
• Sleeps for ten to twelve hours a night while only rarely waking up in the middle of the night.
• Bangs on his crib and "hollers" at us to come get him up.
• Has the best giggle I've ever heard.
• Is so in love with his Daddy - he loves when Tom comes home from work.
• Still prefers Momma when he wants to cuddle or doesn't feel well.
• Hates when you leave the room and he has to crawl to you. 
• Still loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. 

Thomas you are still the love of our lives and I have no clue what we would do without you.  I can't believe how fast this past year has gone.  From anxiously awaiting your arrival to now almost one - I've loved every moment of it.