Thoughts about the Connecticut tragedy

I thought I worried about Thomas before... before last Friday when I heard the awful news of the tragic event in CT.  Now, I am a mess.  I have always been a worrier... I get it from my mom.  I worry over just about everything, but I especially worry about my boy.  His health, whether or not he is eating enough, if I am being a good mom and a good example.  I worry about him getting hurt, emotionally and physically.  I worry that I might not be around to see him grow up and if that is the case, whether or not someone will make sure to tell him every day how much I love him, how much he was longed for and wanted, and how he has made me the happiest mom on the face of the earth.  After last Friday, I don't want to ever let him out of my sight.  I just want to hold onto him and try to protect him from everything evil in this world.  I know I can't possibly do that, but after everything I went through to get him here, with me, I sure do wish it was possible.  I feel guilt for bringing him into a world that has so much evil but I have been trying to remind myself that there is still much more good and I need to focus on that.  I need to teach Thomas to focus on that. I have hugged and kissed on him so much over the last few days that I am sure he is sick of me, but I can't stop.  I can't stop telling him how much I love him and how lucky I feel to be his mom.  He definitely doesn't understand me and he won't remember at this point, but some day he will be old enough to remember and I want to take every opportunity I can, so there is never a question in his mind. 

The recent tragic events has caused me to reevaluate my life and try to prioritize things a bit more.  I want to be a good example to my son and be the best possible mom I can be for him because he deserves that and so much more.  My goal is to strive to be better.  At everything.  At being a mom. At being patient and understanding.  At being more spiritual and doing a better job of inviting the spirit into our home.  I want to be a better wife and give Tom and Thomas a better home environment.  I am all too aware of the fact that I fought very hard, and prayed even harder to have children and I owe it to him and to our Heavenly Father to do the best possible job in raising him.  

I can't even imagine what those parents are going through, and I hope I never have to.  And though I don't know them personally, all I can do is pray for them.  Pray for peace and love to surround them over the next few weeks, months and years as they do something a parent should never have to do.

Half a Year?!

Seriously I say this every month, but time really needs to slow down!  It is going way too fast and I can hardly keep up with all of the new things Thomas is doing and learning.  

At six months Thomas:

• Still rolls over from his back to his stomach and even though he knows how to roll back over, he refuses to and screams until we roll him back
• Has officially grown out of all 3-6 month clothing.  He's now wearing 6 month outfits and I feel it won't be long before he'll move to 9 months.
• Had a doctor appointment on the 7th and he weighed 20 pounds 8 ounces, which puts him in the 96th percentile on weight.  He is also 26.5 inches long now, which puts him in the 60th percentile.  Overall, he's healthy and just a big boy.
• He moved on to the big boy pacifiers and he loves them.  He can put them in his own mouth now, even if it does take several tries to figure out which way it goes in.
• Started eating fruits - his favorite is pears and his least favorite is bananas.
• Now eats baby oatmeal every morning for breakfast, and a small 2 oz container of fruits or vegetables for lunch and dinner.  
• He received a jumperoo that he absolutely loves. He'll bounce for hours as long as someone is still giving him attention.  Cracks us all up!
• Also received a high chair for Christmas (early) and he loves sitting with us and being included.  Shhh - it also allows me to get dishes and cooking done as long as I still interact with him.  
• Had his first Thanksgiving!  I gave him a bite of mashed potatoes (his first "real" food, and he was disgusted.  Poor kid - he'll learn.  He was also given a taste of sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie and cool whip.  He sure did look for more cool whip.  
• Likes when he's read to. 
• Has recently discovered his tongue and sticks it out whenever possible.
• Is so in love with his daddy.  No matter what he is doing when daddy gets home from work he tries to break his neck to see him if he can't already see the door.
• Belly laughs that makes everything else seem not so bad.  This boy really knows how to make people happy.
• Started making a kissing sound (as well as he can) when his Momma kisses him.  He also started coming toward with me an open mouth when I'm making the kiss sound.  You have to love slobbery open mouth kisses.
• Still loves playing peek-a-boo and thinks it's hilarious.  Every time.
• He wakes up 2 - 3 times a night for his pacifier and then goes right back to sleep.

This boy is already wrapped around his Momma's fingers and I love every minute of it.  He makes me happier than I ever thought possible, and I love having him in my life.  I'm so thankful the Lord chose this little boy for us.  

Such a cheese with his tongue out

Happy boy before his shots

Cutie with his Momma

First time in his new high chair

Loves "reading" books

Spending time with daddy

Spending time with Momma

5 months!

How, oh how has it already been another month?!  What an exciting month!  

At five months Thomas:

• Learned to roll over!  He rolled back to front first which is harder. It took him an extra week to figure it out the other way.  
• Is still wearing some 3-6 month clothes, but mostly just 6 months.
• Started eating rice cereal mixed with formula for breakfast.  He's definitely a fan of food.
• Is now a huge fan of his vegetables.  His favorites so far are sweet potatoes, peas and squash.  His least favorites are green beans.
• Loves when we make noises at him.  He tries to imitate them - so cute to watch him learn!
• Drools everywhere!!
• If it's within his reach it will be in his mouth.  My finger, his toys, his blankets...anything.
• Is in love with his Auntie Tessa that watches him while we work.
• Loves attention - imagine that with his daddy!
• Still melts my heart every time I see him.  
• Loves peek-a-boo.
• Loves when his daddy dances around and moves his arm.  
• Loves his good morning song mommy sings him every morning.
• Occasionally sleeps on his side now. 
• Went as "Officer Brown" for his first Halloween.  Adorable!

Time needs to slow down!  This Mamma can barely keep up with all the new things he's doing.  

 5 months!

Super Cool Guy

Officer Brown

Standing Up

Superman

Our Family

Another as Officer Brown

 

4 Months!

How is it possible that my little boy is already four months old?!  There are days when it seems like he's been in our lives forever, and then there are days that it feels he should still be tiny and brand new.  I'm amazed that I fall more in love with him every day. 

At four months Thomas:

• Is trying to roll over - he gets 2/3 of the way over and then gets really frustrated that he's laying on his arm.  He grunts and pulls on his clothes to try to help him move the rest of the way over.  
• Eats four six ounce bottles per day
• Is wearing 3-6 month clothing
• Smiles when he sees his Mamma after work each day
• Is so in love with his daddy!  If Tom walks away from him he follows him with his eyes as far as he can.  If he hears his voice he has to find it.  
• Ate vegetables for the first time on Monday - green beans.  He didn't seem to be a fan at all.  We'll keep trying though.
• Slept through the night for the past two nights from 11 - 7.  We are so, so excited about this!
• Loves to put anything he can in his mouth, including his entire fist. 
• He giggles anytime you say "poo" or "poop".  I'm not sure why he loves those particular words so much, but it's hilarious to see him light up when you say them.
• Is such a mellow baby and never gets fussy unless he is hungry or tired.

 Trying green beans for the first time

 Talking to his Daddy

 Smiling for his Momma

 He always sleeps with his arms like this

 Bath time!

Happy 4 months baby boy!  We are so lucky to have you in our lives!!

Wow!

This morning I started reading back through my blog just to see how things change so quickly.

If you read my blog dated October 10th I post about how I was disappointed that we had tried for so long for a baby with it not happening month after month.  It never occurred to me until just now that only 5 days later we found out we were pregnant!  

Right after I wrote about how I was trying to accept Gods plan for our lives we found out we were having a baby of our own.  Oh how Gods timing is always perfect, and better than ours.

What I've learned so far

It's becoming clearer by the minute that the person who wears the pants in our family is also the one who wears diapers underneath them...and we are totally okay with that!  I can't imagine a life that isn't quantified by the sweet smell of baby skin (there's nothing better than that!), little grunting noises during his bottles, tons of cuddle time, and tiny hands and feet.  I don't know how I survived so long without those wonders and I never want to go back!  It's impossible to believe that little Mr. Thomas is already almost three months old, and it's even more unfathomable that, not too long ago, he wasn't yet in our lives.  There's so much love in our hearts right now, we can't see straight!  

Equally amazing is the discovery that Tom and I love each other even more, thanks to this pint-size human.  Despite the sleep depravity and chaos, we are finding new ways to appreciate one another on a daily basis.  It's inspiring on so many levels.  I am cherishing every moment of being a mom - which is, by far, my favorite role to date!  

Here is a list of some observations I've made during my short time as a mommy:

1. Staring at your own child is addicting.
2. Sometimes it takes twice as long to change a diaper as it does for it to be soiled again.
3. Whoever invented the wetness indicator on the aforementioned diapers is a genius.
4. People insist on informing you that every time your newborn smiles it's because he has "gas". 
5. Everyone has an opinion on what you're doing wrong as a parent and think it's their job to point out what you could do better.  Unless asked - please keep your opinions to yourself.  Being a new parent is stressful enough without constantly thinking of all the things you're doing "wrong". 
6. Laundry "day" is a thing of the past.  The chore currently takes place with more frequency than I could have ever imagined.  He can go through up to four outfits a day!
7. Regardless of how much space you have for photos and video on your computer or hard drive, I can assure you it's not enough.  Though I am aware I can't document every single moment of Thomas's life, it doesn't seem to keep me from trying.  I think there's a total of less than 10 days since he's been born that I didn't take at least one picture.
8. Sleeping for more than a few consecutive hours seems scandalous.  I miss sleep the most, but wouldn't trade the early morning time with him for anything.
9. Cutting my babies fingernails for the first time was virtually equivalent to walking a high wire with no net.  So scary! 
10. There just aren't enough variations of the words "I love you" and "You're handsome" in the dictionary.  
11. Seeing Tom being Thomas's daddy melts my heart in a way I never thought possible.  He's a natural dad and I can't wait to watch their relationship grow as Thomas gets older. 

I knew I would love being a mom, but I never knew exactly how deep that love would go.  I can't wait to see how things keep changing in our lives over the next 18 years.  We love you baby boy!

Photo Dump!

Not much has really changed since my last post, but now I have the pictures I couldn't figure out how to post last time.  Enjoy!

Happy Boy!

Sitting up in his bumbo seat for the first time!

Enjoying his play gym - he loves "talking" to the animals.

 He really loves his monkey!

 He fell asleep sitting up - must have been a long day

 This is our comparison - 2 weeks vs 10 weeks!  He's growing up way too fast!!

Such a big boy sleeping in his own bed.

2 months!

Baby Thomas is now two months old and I'm not quite sure how it happened so fast. We are so in love with this baby boy. The past two months have been the most amazing, yet exhausting months of my life, and I wouldn't trade these experiences for anything.  I'll post some updated pictures soon!

At two months Thomas is:

Now wearing size 1 diapers (up from the newborn size)

Is eating 5 ounces of formula every four hours

Has outgrown most of his 0-3 months clothing

Has started smiling at me when I come home each day

Loves "watching" tv late at night with daddy 

Loves music of any kind - especially the drums at church

Has outgrown his bassinet and now sleeps in his big boy crib

Thomas we love you and can't imagine our lives without you. All we ask is that you slow down with this growing up thing. Unless of course you'd like to start sleeping through the night. 

Thoughts on the BIG day

Tonight at 9pm we will be admitted into the hospital to being the induction process and hopefully our first born will be here sometime tomorrow.  There are so many thoughts running through my head right now that I figured the best way to "handle them" was to write them out so I'd remember this day forever. 

I woke up an emotional mess this morning trying to go over every scenario and thing I thought needed done before tonight.  Granted, there wasn't much on the list, but it was still overwhelming.  Some of this emotional meltdown might have had something to do with the fact that I was awake until 2:30 and then wide awake for the day at 6:30.  As I laid there watching Tom sleep I realized that this was the last morning we'd ever wake up in our bed without being parents.  I started thinking about how I'd miss it being just us two, but then thought of how much we're going to love our little boy (even more so than we already do).  After that minor meltdown I realized that Tom's birthday, our anniversary, and Tom's first father's day are all next weekend.  I haven't planned ahead very well being on bed rest so of course I realized today that I need to pick up a few things so I'm prepared for next week in case I don't leave the house. *I hope he doesn't read this before next week, ha!*

Don't get me wrong; as much as I'm sad to close one chapter of our lives, I'm ecstatic to start the next chapter.  A baby is something that Tom and I have both wanted and dreamed of since before we were married.  I'm so glad we waited until ten years of marriage to have this baby.  As much as I thought we were ready five or six years ago we definitely weren't.  I think God knew that and kept us in situations that weren't ideal for having a baby.

I'm also thinking about how a year ago at this time we weren't even sure if we were able to have children due to the chemo that Tom was on ten years ago.  I'm so grateful that everything worked out this way and that we are able to have a child of our own. 

Huge occasions in our lives are usually filled with family by our sides.  Unfortunately since we live at least 2,400 miles away from our families that makes this a little tough.  Thankfully technology will allow us to "see" our families via Skype and face time.  There's also Facebook so they will get to see I'm sure daily updates about our baby’s firsts.  As much as I'm grateful that we have those things at our fingertips it would still be nice to be closer to family.  This baby boy is already so loved by so many that I'm sure he'll feel the love no matter how far away they are. 

Tom is going to be a great dad; this is something I've just known for as long as I've known him.  He is so patient, kind, and loving, and that's just with me.  I can only imagine how much love he will have for his little boy.  One of the things I'm looking forward to most about tomorrow is seeing his face when he holds his son for the first time.  It makes my heart melt just thinking about it. 

As excited as I am about meeting our baby boy, there are a few nerves about the delivery process.  I know it's not going to be easy, and people do it every day so I'll be fine.  The only part that makes me nervous is the unknown and not knowing what to expect.  But, like all things there will be an end in sight and once I see my little boy I'm sure it won't seem so bad.  (At least I hope). 

Writing out these thoughts has helped clear my head quite a bit.  It's amazing how just getting things out somehow makes things seem not quite so overwhelming.  I hope I get a chance to write about the birth experience sooner than later depending on how well we get adjusted once we're home from the hospital. 

Hopefully by this time tomorrow he'll be almost here and I can squeeze his chubby cheeks and kiss the little toes that have been kicking me for months. 

Thomas Daniel Brown III we love you and can't wait to meet you tomorrow!

Perspective

Do you ever have days when you feel like nothing goes right?  I've had a few days like that lately and when I put things into perspective I realize things are as bad as they seem.  I'm sure some of these feelings comes from the fact that I haven't had a full nights sleep in close to a month.  I'm not sure why that is other than my baby and body are getting me ready to be up for the middle of the night feedings.

When I have those feelings of sadness, anger, frustration and bitterness I am making it a goal to remember the following things:

- Even when it all falls apart I have a God that loves me and knows what is coming next.
- I know that I'm not alone and there's no reason to worry.
- I have an amazing husband that would do anything for me and/or this baby.
- In about seven little weeks I will have the biggest blessing that I've ever received in my arms.

So, if you see me and I am in one of those moods where things are tough or not going right - please pray for me that I will remember that things aren't so bad after all.

When life gets hard...

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars.

25 Weeks and an update!

As of this week, I am now 25 weeks pregnant!  We're well over half way and I can't wait until June!  I figured I should update on how things have been going so far in the pregnancy (since I'm a little behind).

The first three and a half months were tough.  I barely kept any food down at any moment during the day.  It was a constant battle to just keep water down, and at one point at the end of October I ended up in the emergency room due to severe dehydration.  They almost kept me overnight, but I insisted I would drink tons of water that night.  Thankfully that was the worst it got and I was quickly on my way to feeling better.

By November I was looking forward to Thanksgiving, as that's my favorite holiday.  There's just something about spending the day with friends and/or family and knowing there's no expectations of gifts.  This was also the day that we announced on Facebook that we were expecting.  We were most thankful this year for our little baby that we had been praying for, years before he or she had even been conceived.  

In December we found out that we were expecting a son - Thomas Daniel Brown III!  I had been convinced from the beginning that we were having a girl, but was amazed at how excited I was to know we were having a son.  Our son will be the first grandson on my side of the family, and the third grandson for Tom's side of the family.  By the end of December, or around week 14 I finally started to get some relief on the all day sickness.

January brought our fifteen day vacation to visit Tom's family.  How exciting it was to see them and see how excited they were about a new baby coming into the family.  Also, on that vacation was the last time I was sick!  Thank you Lord!  We got to see our nephews Lukas and Simon and loved every minute with them.   Seeing the rest of the family only makes me realize how much we miss them when we're away. 

In February I started showing and that was exciting for me.  Since I wasn't tiny to begin with when I got pregnant, it was kind of hard to tell until this point. And, I felt him kick for the first time this month!!  What an amazing feeling!!!  I had my monthly appointment at my OB's office on 2/22 and as of that point I had lost 18 pounds since I got pregnant.  My doctor said she was only going to be concerned if my ultrasound on 2/29 showed that T3 (the nickname I picked out for him) wasn't growing as much as he should since I was losing weight.  According to the ultrasound tech last week T3 weighed 1.5 pounds and was exactly where he should be for this point in the pregnancy.  However, he is like his father and slightly stubborn and wouldn't cooperate with her, so we have to go see a specialist this Wed so she can measure his heart with better equipment.  She insisted there was nothing to worry about, so I'm just looking forward to seeing him and hearing his heartbeat an extra time.  Here are the pictures from last weeks ultrasound - and with that we should be caught up to this week.  I'll post again after this weeks ultrasound after we know more about what is going on.  :)