I don’t know what to say.
How do I describe the rippling ache whose circles widen but never disappear?
How to communicate that he is an important part of my family, my life, even though he is dead?
How to celebrate his birthday when he is not here to enjoy it, when the decisions I must make of how to remember here are incapacitating?
And how do I describe just how much he has changed my life, my thoughts, my heart?
How do I put into words the love and gratitude I have for this tiny little boy that never breathed?
Tomorrow is his 2nd birthday, but he’s not here to celebrate. He died. I birthed him. I held his body and said goodbye, but it was not really goodbye. It was an end, and a beginning. I carry his memory and my love for him with me always.
Some days it’s beautiful to be a mother to a son that died, that I was chosen for that purpose. Other days it’s an eternal aching, knowing I’ll never see him grow up.
Today is one of those days.
I don’t know what to say.
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