Losing an unborn child

Often times when someone dies everyone sits around and remembers the good times you had with that person, and often remembers them when you see their favorite food or tv show.  When you lose a baby, while still pregnant, you don’t have any of those things to remember.  No one has anything to say about your baby because no one, not even yourself, has ever met that baby.  There are no fun memories for most people regarding Isaac. 

For Tom and I there’s the memory of finding out we were having another baby.  It was February 13^th of last year.  I thought for a moment I could keep the secret from him until the next morning, but quickly knew I was way too excited to keep it in.  He read the card and literally jumped up and down he was so excited.  The next morning we called and told all of our parents that there were be four Valentine’s in our family the next year.  It didn’t quite work out like that for us.

Also, when you lose a baby people assume that because we never met him that the loss isn’t as hard.  In reality, it’s the exact opposite.  I long to know what he would have looked like, had he been born alive and thriving.  I wish I could have seen his eyes open.  I long to know what his giggle sounded like.  I long to see him interact with his older brother.  I long to see how our day to day life would have been different had he been here.  I wish I got to hear his first word, and know what his favorite baby food was.  I am not only mourning that little boy, but all of the moments that were taken from me as well. 

Most people don’t talk about Isaac as they are afraid of upsetting me.  And if they bring him up I might tear up or get sad.  Please, please bring him up anyway.  Otherwise, I’m stuck in a lonely place feeling like he didn’t matter to anyone else…and that’s a horrible place to be.

Grieving a child you never met is a completely different kind of grief.  There’s no handbook or timeline on how to deal and cope.  So, if you know someone that is dealing with this – just be there.  Be there when they want to talk, be there when they don’t know what they want.  Cry with them.  Laugh with them.  Remind them how much you also loved their little one.  Say their child’s name.  It will hurt, but at least they’ll know they’re not alone.