Dear Isaac,

Wednesday night I had a really rough night of being angry you were gone, missing you, and dreaming about our future without you.  Are we really ready to think about having another baby?  Will it bring back all of the memories of losing you?  Would I spend the whole nine months deathly afraid it could happen again?  Could we lose the next baby as well?  I honestly don’t think my heart could handle that again.  But, I also know that I have to have faith in God, and in my body that it won’t happen again. 

Oh Isaac – how will our hearts ever grow big enough to love another as much as we loved you?  I know deep down that it’s possible because we weren’t even sure our hearts would grow big enough to love you after we had Thomas, but they did. 

A huge part of our hearts long to hold and cuddle a baby, and for Thomas to finally be able to be the big brother he wants to be.  But, I also want it to be you that we’re holding.  I feel like you took all I had left with you, and what if what I have left won’t be enough for someone else?

My love for you and Thomas split my heart open the moment I knew about both of you, and has changed me forever.  My love for you is in every breath I take, every smile, every tear that slides down my face, and with every thought I have.  I hide my true feelings at times because I’m afraid I would appear too broken and fragile.  The last thing I want is for the awkward pause when people give me “that look” that makes me feel like it would have been better to keep it all in. 

I remember after finding out I was pregnant with you that I promised you that I’d love you forever, and I will.  That promise will never go away.  But, now I have to make you some new promises.  I promise to never give up.  I promise to believe our family can grow even bigger.  I promise to trust that you are watching out for us.  I promise to always love your dad.  I promise to trust that my love is enough for another baby.  I promise that your brother and possible future sibling(s) will know about you, and how important you are to us.  I promise that you will never be forgotten.

Mom