Grief is a crazy ride...

I posted on Facebook and Instagram this week about how dealing with grief is like a ride, and you never know what will trigger the downward spiral. 

Last night Thomas was having a rough night and finally asked to sit on my lap before going to sleep.  I scooped him up and started humming the song I’ve hummed to him since the day he was born.  I felt his body calm down and knew we might finally get him to calm down enough to go to sleep.  I couldn’t get comfortable because he’s so long while holding him and sitting on his bed so I stood up and held him like I did a few years ago when he was a newborn.  While humming my mind thought about how he was getting way too big for this, and then the next thought was “I should be holding your brother like this” – which of course sent me over the edge….again.  I kept myself together until I got him tucked back in, but once I left his room I collapsed into Tom and lost it as he held me. 

Triggers come from nowhere and everywhere.  Sometimes they trigger a memory, a sadness, a longing or pain.  It’s always unexpected (like above), and it’s always different.  It has been anything from seeing a pregnant woman, seeing a woman carry a baby, walking passed the baby section at Target, seeing pictures of your friend’s newborn on Facebook, thinking about how we haven't visited his grave since his funeral in September, or just getting lost in my own mind. 

Those are the moments that I never see coming.  Those are the moments I miss Isaac the most.  When it becomes so overwhelmingly obvious that he is missing from our everyday moments. 

When I write that I take things one day at a time – that’s exactly what I’m doing.   It’s a choice I have to make every single day to keep going.  This grief thing is a crazy ride that I would love to jump off of, but it doesn’t work like that.  Instead, I just hold on with everything I’ve got and wait for the ride to momentarily stop…until the next ride begins.