Learning to love myself again

Learning to love yourself again after a tragedy is a hard thing to do.  To love yourself again, you have to let go of the anger, frustrations and guilt you’ve put on yourself.  I was very angry after Isaac died.  Angry that God would let this happen.  Angry that this was the path that was chosen for us.  Angry that I had to keep going when all I wanted to do was give up.  I was frustrated that the world kept going and I didn’t know how.  I was frustrated that other people seemed to have everything I wanted, and they were happy.  And I felt a lot of guilt.  Maybe if I hadn’t eaten this or that.  Maybe if I had done this or done that differently maybe Isaac would still be with us.  None of that would have changed what happened. 

I’m so glad that for the most part I’ve worked through most of those feelings and emotions.  That doesn’t mean I won’t have days where I’m angry, frustrated or feel guilty, but it means is that I’ve giving myself permission to feel all of those feelings as they come, and I’m slowly overcoming and believing that better things are coming for us. 

In choosing to love who I am I also have to love the experiences that have made me who I am.  I don’t love that my son died, obviously.  But, I do love that I am slowly emerging a softer, kinder person because I am his Momma.  In his little life he has taught me so much about love, faith and hope.  I’m choosing to love myself because when I promised Isaac I would love him forever and always, I also promised him that I would be the best Momma I could be for him and Thomas.  That promise isn’t void because he’s not with me.  He would want me to be happy.  He would want me to keep going.  I’m just lucky that my guardian angel is such an adorable little guy.  And I have hope that I’ll get to see him again someday. 

Planning, Faith, and Love

If you know me at all, you know that I’m a planner.  It’s in my nature, even when I want no part of planning something I’m involved before I even realize it.  When I found out I was pregnant with baby Brown number two, I planned out everything, just ask Tom.  I thought about how we would be around family this time, and how the hospital room would be filled with family and so much excitement.  I had planned that my parents and siblings would take turns helping with Thomas so we could bond with the baby and try to sleep a little.  I planned and had already thought about how great Thomas would be around his new baby brother or sister.  I had thought about it all.  I had prayed for this baby and I had prayed that God would use us to teach this baby, as well as Thomas, how to grow up and know that Jesus loves them unconditionally and that He would protect them and take care of them.

When I heard the news that Isaac no longer had a heartbeat my world stopped, and I was in denial.  I kept thinking the doctor was wrong…just induce me and when Isaac would come out he’d start crying.  By the time he was born, less than 24 hours later, I was angry. He didn’t cry and he was definitely gone.  He was lifeless and gray in color.   How could God take away the baby He had given us?  I hadn’t planned for losing him even in my darkest nightmare.  Why would God give us this child, and snatch him away before we even got to say hello?  Why would God give us so much hope and love for this baby if we were never going to meet him? 

My heart was shattered and forever changed. I found that there is no greater pain or suffering than the loss of a child. The pain is all consuming as it crushes my heart and fills my lungs. How could I live without Isaac? How could the world continue without him? I didn’t have the answers. I begged God to give me the strength and show me the way. Even though I don’t have the ability to understand God’s plan, I still must trust Him and know that His plan is more perfect than any I could have. Without my faith and God’s promise of eternal life, I would be lost. His promise that I will see Isaac again is my driving force. I know that he only knows love and joy. I try to keep that my focus, but some moments my broken heart needs a release. I allow myself to cry and feel the pain of missing him. I know that a piece of me died when Isaac died, and I will never be the same, but I have also discovered that it’s okay for me not to be the same. How could I be after losing my child? Two things are for sure, my spirit is not broken and my faith is not lost. My life may be divided into before Isaac died and after, but love, not grief, is the connection between the two.

Only now…five months later am I starting to see clearly again, and I still don’t have an answer to all of those questions.  But, I do know this – I prayed for, and loved that baby from the moment I knew I was pregnant.  What if God gave us that child to teach us something?  I had prayed that God would use us to teach that child about Him.  But…wow…what if God used that child to show US that He was going to take care of us, and that He had a different plan for us? 

I’ve learned that some of the most beautiful things come to life while submerged in complete darkness, and as long as I surface from it, and have faith in God, it’s going to be okay.  And, in that darkness, I found God’s love for me again.  He never left me, and He never will.  Instead of me teaching Isaac about life and love, his short little life and his death taught me.  And I never could have planned for that.

Losing an unborn child

Often times when someone dies everyone sits around and remembers the good times you had with that person, and often remembers them when you see their favorite food or tv show.  When you lose a baby, while still pregnant, you don’t have any of those things to remember.  No one has anything to say about your baby because no one, not even yourself, has ever met that baby.  There are no fun memories for most people regarding Isaac. 

For Tom and I there’s the memory of finding out we were having another baby.  It was February 13^th of last year.  I thought for a moment I could keep the secret from him until the next morning, but quickly knew I was way too excited to keep it in.  He read the card and literally jumped up and down he was so excited.  The next morning we called and told all of our parents that there were be four Valentine’s in our family the next year.  It didn’t quite work out like that for us.

Also, when you lose a baby people assume that because we never met him that the loss isn’t as hard.  In reality, it’s the exact opposite.  I long to know what he would have looked like, had he been born alive and thriving.  I wish I could have seen his eyes open.  I long to know what his giggle sounded like.  I long to see him interact with his older brother.  I long to see how our day to day life would have been different had he been here.  I wish I got to hear his first word, and know what his favorite baby food was.  I am not only mourning that little boy, but all of the moments that were taken from me as well. 

Most people don’t talk about Isaac as they are afraid of upsetting me.  And if they bring him up I might tear up or get sad.  Please, please bring him up anyway.  Otherwise, I’m stuck in a lonely place feeling like he didn’t matter to anyone else…and that’s a horrible place to be.

Grieving a child you never met is a completely different kind of grief.  There’s no handbook or timeline on how to deal and cope.  So, if you know someone that is dealing with this – just be there.  Be there when they want to talk, be there when they don’t know what they want.  Cry with them.  Laugh with them.  Remind them how much you also loved their little one.  Say their child’s name.  It will hurt, but at least they’ll know they’re not alone. 

Next Step

This week was a rough one as we conquered a new step in the grieving process.  We gathered up all of our courage and visited the cemetery Monday night for the first time since Isaac’s funeral.  Tom has wanted to go for quite a while, but I wasn’t ready.  After finally being honest with myself I realized I was never going to be fully ready to go back, but I needed to be there for Tom. 

The tears started flowing as soon as I turned into the cemetery.  My immediate thought was to figure out a reason we needed to leave so I didn’t have to go.  But, I went.  We pulled up to Isaac’s spot, and I’m not going to lie – it was hard.  Every detail from the day of his funeral came rushing back - details I had pushed as far back in my mind as possible. 

But, there was also another feeling – I felt closer to him than I had in months.  I don’t even really have words to describe it, but after the initial hard few minutes it wasn’t so bad.  We even smiled at one point thinking about him. 

After getting home that evening I was alone for a few hours and just sat and thought about him, and how far we’ve all come in the past four and a half months.  I seriously wouldn’t wish this feeling or circumstance on anyone, but looking back I can see how far we’ve come.  And that’s what I’m choosing to focus on today.  

I Peter 5:7 - Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.