If you know me at all, you know that I’m a
planner. It’s in my nature, even when I want
no part of planning something I’m involved before I even realize it. When I found out I was pregnant with baby
Brown number two, I planned out everything, just ask Tom. I thought about how we would be around family
this time, and how the hospital room would be filled with family and so much
excitement. I had planned that my
parents and siblings would take turns helping with Thomas so we could bond with
the baby and try to sleep a little. I
planned and had already thought about how great Thomas would be around his new
baby brother or sister. I had thought
about it all. I had prayed for this baby
and I had prayed that God would use us to teach this baby, as well as Thomas,
how to grow up and know that Jesus loves them unconditionally and that He would
protect them and take care of them.
When I heard the news that Isaac no longer
had a heartbeat my world stopped, and I was in denial. I kept thinking the doctor was wrong…just
induce me and when Isaac would come out he’d start crying. By the time he was born, less than 24 hours
later, I was angry. He didn’t cry and he was definitely gone. He was lifeless and gray in color. How
could God take away the baby He had given us?
I hadn’t planned for losing him even in my darkest nightmare. Why would God give us this child, and snatch
him away before we even got to say hello?
Why would God give us so much hope and love for this baby if we were
never going to meet him?
My heart was shattered and
forever changed. I found that there is no greater pain or suffering than the
loss of a child. The pain is all consuming as it crushes my heart and fills my
lungs. How could I live without Isaac? How could the world continue without him?
I didn’t have the answers. I begged God to give me the strength and show me the
way. Even though I don’t have the ability to understand God’s plan, I still
must trust Him and know that His plan is more perfect than any I could have.
Without my faith and God’s promise of eternal life, I would be lost. His
promise that I will see Isaac again is my driving force. I know that he only
knows love and joy. I try to keep that my focus, but some moments my broken
heart needs a release. I allow myself to cry and feel the pain of missing him.
I know that a piece of me died when Isaac died, and I will never be the same,
but I have also discovered that it’s okay for me not to be the same. How could
I be after losing my child? Two things are for sure, my spirit is not broken
and my faith is not lost. My life may be divided into before Isaac died and
after, but love, not grief, is the connection between the two.
Only now…five months later am I starting to
see clearly again, and I still don’t have an answer to all of those
questions. But, I do know this – I prayed
for, and loved that baby from the moment I knew I was pregnant. What if God gave us that child to teach us
something? I had prayed that God would
use us to teach that child about Him.
But…wow…what if God used that child to show US that He was going to take
care of us, and that He had a different plan for us?
I’ve learned that some of the most beautiful
things come to life while submerged in complete darkness, and as long as I
surface from it, and have faith in God, it’s going to be okay. And, in that darkness, I found God’s love for
me again. He never left me, and He never
will. Instead of me teaching Isaac about
life and love, his short little life and his death taught me. And I never could have planned for that.
No comments:
Post a Comment