Learning to love myself again

Learning to love yourself again after a tragedy is a hard thing to do.  To love yourself again, you have to let go of the anger, frustrations and guilt you’ve put on yourself.  I was very angry after Isaac died.  Angry that God would let this happen.  Angry that this was the path that was chosen for us.  Angry that I had to keep going when all I wanted to do was give up.  I was frustrated that the world kept going and I didn’t know how.  I was frustrated that other people seemed to have everything I wanted, and they were happy.  And I felt a lot of guilt.  Maybe if I hadn’t eaten this or that.  Maybe if I had done this or done that differently maybe Isaac would still be with us.  None of that would have changed what happened. 

I’m so glad that for the most part I’ve worked through most of those feelings and emotions.  That doesn’t mean I won’t have days where I’m angry, frustrated or feel guilty, but it means is that I’ve giving myself permission to feel all of those feelings as they come, and I’m slowly overcoming and believing that better things are coming for us. 

In choosing to love who I am I also have to love the experiences that have made me who I am.  I don’t love that my son died, obviously.  But, I do love that I am slowly emerging a softer, kinder person because I am his Momma.  In his little life he has taught me so much about love, faith and hope.  I’m choosing to love myself because when I promised Isaac I would love him forever and always, I also promised him that I would be the best Momma I could be for him and Thomas.  That promise isn’t void because he’s not with me.  He would want me to be happy.  He would want me to keep going.  I’m just lucky that my guardian angel is such an adorable little guy.  And I have hope that I’ll get to see him again someday.