Mixed Emotions

We got the call, baby number 3 doesn't have any defects, and we were told it was a girl. I've always wanted a daughter of my own for as long as I can remember. I had a permanent smile for at least the first twenty four hours. I couldn't wait to tell anyone that would listen that we were going to have a girl. 

And then almost as fast it hit me like a ton of bricks that if Isaac had lived I wouldn't be having my little girl. Talk about the biggest mix of emotions I've felt in a while. 

I'm very thankful for this baby, and I'm just as thankful for Isaac. Without him I wouldn't have realized that it was possible to love another child as much as I loved Thomas. Without him I wouldn't know the eternal cycle of grief and joy, and how they intertwine. 

I also know that having this baby won't take Isaac's place. No one could ever do that. I'll always have an Isaac shaped hole in my heart. I also, deep down, believe that Isaac helped hand pick this specific baby sister for our family, and I'll forever be thankful to him for that. 

Marlowe Alexis - you are so wanted and have been prayed for, for a long time.  Please know that by being here we are going to be simultaneously overjoyed and I'm sure slightly sad at times, because every new thing you do will be a reminder on what we missed out on with Isaac. But, in the end, I'm sure extreme happiness will take over. 

I love all of my babies with all of my heart. As much as I wish that our story looked a little different, I'm happy with the blessings that I've been given, and don't take them for granted.