2016 vs 2017

Sad
Angry
Broken
Confused
Happy
Anxious
Cautious
Defensive
Depressed
Drained
Envious
Hopeful
Lonely
Loved
Mad
Numb
Peaceful
Restless
Tired
Annoyed
Strong
Calm
Crushed
Disappointed
Brave
Excited
Good
Heartbroken
Guilty
Terrified
Rejuvenated
Thankful
Content

I have felt all of these emotions at least once in 2016.  This year has been a year of extreme highs and extreme lows for me.  Navigating life after loss is harder than I ever expected, but it has also taught me so much more about myself. 

At the beginning of 2016 I never thought I’d feel hopeful and truly happy again.  Month by month I slowly started laughing again.  At first I would feel guilty for laughing and having fun, because to me that meant I had moved on, and that pushed Isaac further away from me. But, I had to learn that moving on was the only way that I could honor him completely.  He wouldn’t have wanted me to stay in that deep dark place.  That wasn’t fair to anyone.  By the end of 2016 I feel like a completely different person than I started out this year.  

With our new baby on the way I’m so excited, and hopeful that this baby will get to come home with us.  But, to be honest, I’m also terrified.  What if the unthinkable happens again?  Would we live through it a second time?  I can’t dwell on those thoughts though, as I don’t want to slip into that dark place again.  Instead I’m choosing to be hopeful, and pray that things will be different this time.  I know being scared and stressed out isn’t good for the baby, so I’m doing my best. 

If I had to choose one word off of my list that would describe how I want and plan to live in 2017 it would be strong.  I’ve never considered myself a strong person before.  Not physical strength, but emotionally strong.  With every day that passes I hope to be strong enough to put one foot in front of the other and face the new day.  I will be strong enough to get through this pregnancy, and love this baby as fiercely as I love Thomas and Isaac.    Yes, there will be days where strong is the last thing that I could feel, but my hope is that those are the days I’ll be able to look back and see how far I’ve come, and realize my strength is what got me through. 

What word would you choose to describe how you want to live in 2017?