Six Months / 182 Days

That’s how longs it’s been since the day we lost you.  I’ve learned a lot about life in those days. 

In the beginning every day that passed felt like a year was gone.  Those days it was hard to even get out of bed. 

Somehow each day got a little bit easier, and slowly, without me realizing it I started to live again.  I didn’t dread the evening when my thoughts would take over.  I didn’t wish for time to pass quickly so I’d “be over” losing you already.  And, somehow in these first six months I started laughing again.  Not the “pretend laugh” so that people don’t feel awkward around me…but real laughs that scared me at the beginning.  It was such a foreign sound, but it was in that moment I realized the old me was still in there, and I needed to give myself permission to let her out. 

Deep down I believe you want me to be happy.  I’m now living my life knowing each day that passes can be a good day, and will bring me one day closer to seeing you again someday. 

I’ve seen unexpected people reach out to me, and others that I thought would be there for me that weren’t.  Sadness does funny things to people.   They don’t know what to say and don’t want to be around sad people, so for them it’s easier to just stay away.   I don’t blame them.  Just like me – everyone is doing the best they can. 

I also want you to know that I would do it all again.  I would choose you.  I would choose the love that we have for you, even if it meant losing you.  Pain changes a person, and I like the new me that I’ve become because of you.  You taught me to be kinder, and softer, and to always choose love.  Even when it’s hard, even when it’s messy…love is always worth it.  You were worth it. 

Six months have passed, and some days it feels like it was yesterday that I lost you.  I remember every detail about the doctor trying to find the heartbeat, and putting his hand on my leg, with tears in his eyes, saying the words “I’m so sorry.”   Then, other days it feels like that was an eternity ago, and I feel like I’m okay.  Grief and time are a funny thing…but somehow we’re making it.  One day at a time.  Six months, and not a minute goes by that we don't think about you little one.