9 months

Next Wednesday, the 8^th,  will be nine months since we lost our son, Isaac, and our lives were forever changed.  It’s also the day that Thomas turns four.  Extreme highs and lows to process.  For the most part, we’re having more good days than bad days at this point, and that in itself brings highs and lows. 

I was 34 weeks pregnant nine months ago when my doctor said the words “I’m sorry” – words you never want to hear from a doctor.  The part that gets me the most is we were never given a reason.  I mean medically the term “Placenta Abruption” was used, but we were given no reason that the placenta became detached from him and he quit receiving oxygen.  I had a perfect pregnancy with zero complications until that moment.  He was fine one minute, and gone the next. 

On Labor Day, I had been having severe cramps all day, and they were getting worse.  I assumed it was contractions, but I never felt them with Thomas without an epidural so I wasn’t sure.  The pain got to the point that it was unbearable and Tom insisted we go to the emergency room.  When we got checked in and into a room in the ER Isaac still had a heartbeat.  All seemed normal except for the pain.  After they did the exam I immediately got dizzy, clammy, yet burning up, and started getting sick.  They let me gain composure, and after a few minutes they tried, but were never able to find the heartbeat again.  The moment that I felt like the world was ending, it did…just not for me. 

We’ve relied on our faith and the strength of our families and friends to get us through the past nine months.  There were days we didn’t feel like we could keep going, but minute by minute we made it.  As the nine month date passes, that only brings us closer to the year mark.  Another day that I’m not sure I’m quite ready to deal with.  But, minute by minute we’ll make it, just like every other day so far.

9 months…281 days…countless minutes and not one of those have gone by that we haven’t thought of you, precious boy.  I’m hoping we continue to have more good days than bad, but when those bad days do come we will tackle them head on, and allow ourselves to feel all of the emotions. If I’ve learned anything in these nine months, it’s that great loss only comes from great love.  You are so loved and missed, Isaac.