Facebook

If I’ve learned anything over the past three months, it’s that Facebook is a minefield for me.  I’ll just be scrolling along just checking out what’s going on in the lives of friends or acquaintances, and then the next thing I know I’m a sobbing ball of emotions before I even understand what just happened. 

For instance, last night I was checking Facebook before I went to sleep, like I do almost every night.  I was completely fine until I saw that one of my friends little girl had a birthday, which then made me realize it was the 8^th…which made me realize it had now been exactly three months since I lost Isaac…which led me to count the weeks that he’s been gone….13. 

That is the moment when I completely broke down and became a ball of uncontrollable emotions, and it wasn’t pretty.  I finally realized I wasn’t recovering from this sudden outburst so I asked Tom to come lay with me, and hold me.  While lying there I told him quite frankly, and probably louder than necessary “This isn’t fair!”  I was acting just like a toddler throwing a tantrum when they don’t get their way, and I couldn’t help it or stop it.  I had gone from sad to angry, angry to feeling empty, feeling empty to helpless, helpless to sad, and eventually from sadness to acceptance.  Tom has a way of helping me see things from a different perspective, and calming me down like no one else, and I am so thankful for that.  

While drifting to sleep, after I had gained some composure, I started wondering if Facebook was a minefield for other people as well.  What about the single person that constantly sees pictures of happy couples?  Or, people like me, who now see pictures of newborns and pregnancy announcements and makes me long for my baby?  Or what about the person who just lost someone or an animal close to them, and then sees pictures of others being happy with their people and animals?  What about the people that always seem to have their lives together, are always happy, and seem to have the perfect lives?  Do any of these instantly turn you into a jealous, angry ball of emotions as well?   Oh, just me?

Before losing Isaac I never considered how other people viewed my life based on random posts and square pictures online.  If I looked at my profile, I would think I have my life put together and have the perfect child, and was always happy, but is that really how my life is?  Absolutely not.  It seems I’ve fallen into the trap of only showing what I want others to see…which isn’t how life is.  Not even close.  If I’m being honest, like most of us, we only post the good, and I refuse to do that anymore, because our lives are filled with the good, the bad, and the ugly.  The last thing I want is for other people to think I have this life thing all figured out and am in control of my emotions and feelings all the time.  That’s definitely not true.  Case in point - see above when I acted like a toddler throwing a fit. 

Going forward, I’m going to challenge myself to post on Facebook with whatever I’m feeling, whether I’m angry, sad, depressed, happy, excited, and every emotion in between…and be my true self.   If you’re on my friends list I trust you enough to be vulnerable with who I really am.  And I will continue to look at your lives through posts and do my best not to be jealous of you because I’m sure your life is just as flawed as mine…even if we don’t always show it.  

The Holidays...

I made it through Thanksgiving, barely.  We visited Tom’s brother Richard and his wife Becky and their daughter Lana last weekend for Thanksgiving.  I think that distraction helped me through the day.  Thanksgiving is normally my favorite holiday as you mainly spend time with friends and family and focus on family instead of the expectations of gifts that comes with Christmas. 

Usually one of my favorite things to do on Thanksgiving is to go around the room and have everyone say something they are thankful for.  Well, I definitely wasn’t going to suggest we do that this year.  Don’t get me wrong – I have a lot of things to be thankful for – I just wasn’t in that frame of mind this time. 

However, we all were asked to write down on paper what we were thankful for this year instead.  I could totally do that!  This way it was one of my favorite things, but it was more private.  Well, that night we all sat around the fire pit and one by one everyone started reading their lists and when they were done they threw it in the fire.  I quickly made myself busy taking care of Thomas, as he wasn’t interested in sitting and listening anyway. 

Well, I got back up to the fire just in time for everyone to be done.  It was pointed out by our niece (who is 8 and doesn’t know what happened) that I hadn’t gone yet and I instantly started crying.  I couldn’t do it.  It was too soon.  See, I listed Isaac as something I was thankful for.  How could I not?  He is also my child.  I just wasn’t ready to share that and say his name in front of everyone.  I knew I would break down as I cried when I wrote his name on my list. 

I’m thankful for the time I did have him.  I’m thankful he showed me how much more love I am capable of.  I’m thankful that Tom and I became closer and planned for our future with him in it.  I’m thankful for the love he brought to our family.  I just couldn’t put that in to words that night.  They all told me they understood and definitely didn’t pressure me to take a turn.  So yes, I made it through the first family focused holiday without my boy…and I will make it through the rest of them…one at a time. 

Also, last Saturday morning Thomas told me that he loves Isaac in my tummy.  It breaks my heart that he doesn’t understand…but how could he?  So I told him that Isaac is in heaven with Jesus and he said “oh, okay” and moved on like it was nothing.  I know he loves his brother and someday he will understand, but it’s so tough knowing he still expects to meet his brother.

With Christmas coming I have very mixed emotions.  This is the first year that Thomas is going to be extremely excited to open presents and experience all the joys of Christmas.  Seeing that joy on his face will help me more than he’ll ever know.  I’m trying to be happy as I buy him gifts that I know he’ll love, but part of me is also sad because I don’t have another son to buy for like I was supposed to. 

Tom and I also decided that sending Christmas cards isn’t going to happen this year.  I don’t even know how to explain it, but it’s just too hard right now.  So please don’t be offended if you don’t get one.  We usually send out over 100, but I don’t know how to do it this year.  Do I send them out and just not acknowledge Isaac like he didn’t exist?  Do I send them out and put some kind of note about our boy that we lost?  But, then, if I do that, our card is a “downer” during the holidays and I don’t want that either.  So, for us, this year we’re not sending them.  It’s just easier on my emotions that way.  And, at this point I have to do what’s best for me and my family and do what helps us heal and continue to move on. 

Moving on doesn’t mean you forget about things or people.  It just means you have to accept what happened and continue living.  So that’s what we’re doing.  Step by step and day by day through these first holidays…and I’m sure at some points…even minute by minute….but we’re not giving up.  

Grieving Dads

Grieving your child can be overwhelming for the mom and the dad.  Yet, I’ve found that there aren’t many outlets or support groups for grieving dads, and their grief often goes unnoticed.  We expect the men in our lives to always be strong and supportive of the moms, but that’s not fair because he lost his child too.  He should be afforded the same support and outlets that the mom has been given. 

Watching Tom go through this whole process has been hard for me because I know he’s hurting too.  He doesn’t talk about it with many people because they are mainly concerned with how I am that he holds his pain in, and that’s not how it should be.  Reach out to the hurting dads too and let them know they are often thought about and cared for as well.  It won’t take his pain away, but it might help him knowing that it’s okay to not always be the strong one and to know that he’s loved too. 

So to any grieving dads - I’m sorry.  I’m sorry you have had to go through this too, and I’m sorry that your feelings have been overlooked by many.  Looking back, I’m guilty of only reaching out to the moms I know that have had losses without a thought about the dad.  Going forward I promise to also reach out and think about you too.  I’ll send you cards, texts and call you just to check in.  Dealing with grief isn’t easy and you shouldn’t be expected to hold yours in or deal with it alone. 

Rough Day

Today was a tough day. A day I knew would come eventually, but was also so unprepared for. My coworker brought her beautiful 2-week old boy into work today. I knew they were coming and thought I was okay. I saw her and talked to her and thought "I got this," and thought I was super awesome. Oh how wrong I was. As soon as I heard our other co-workers oohing and ahhing over him I lost it. Not in a one little tear kind of way, but a tidal wave of tears that I couldn't control or recover from. So I did what any reasonable adult would do, and hid in the warehouse until they were gone. I am not upset at all at my co-worker, and am actually very excited and happy for her - I just wish it didn't have to hurt so bad.

While hiding out in said warehouse I was busy texting one of my best friends and realized how lucky I am to have so much support around me. There are so many people that love me and loved my sweet boy. So I'm holding onto that, and constantly praying for hope and having faith that I'm going to be okay.

Yes, today was extremely hard, but I'm not going to let one bad day hold me down. I've already come too far for that. So after my nap I'm going to pick myself back up and choose to keep going. One minute at a time.

Dear Fellow Moms

As moms we’re all in different parts of our journey.  Some are on the journey of having just lost a child, some are at the part where their colicky baby won’t stop crying and they feel helpless and desperate to calm their child, some are at the point where their child is sick and they have to trust the doctors to make them better, some are at the point where their child is starting kindergarten, and some are at the point where their child has just gone away to college or moved out on their own for the first time. 

No matter what point you’re at in your journey know that you’re not alone.  You have people all around you that want to love on you and give you support.  All you have to do is have faith that you won’t be told “deal with it”, or “if you knew what I was going through you wouldn’t complain.” 

Yes, I lost a baby recently when I was 34 weeks pregnant.  And, yes, it stings slightly when I hear people complain in the store or see people complain on Facebook about their lack of sleep due to a healthy baby.  And yes, I have thought “they should feel lucky their baby is alive to cry.”  But, after I started thinking about it on a deeper level I realized some things.  Those moms don’t know the pain that I’ve felt, and I can’t fault them for feeling the way they do.  I need to step up beside them and love them and help them through their difficult time, just as people have done for me during mine. 

It’s not fair to tell a new mom “don’t complain, at least you have a healthy baby.”  She is already feeling so insecure in her ability as a mom that someone telling her she shouldn’t feel that way is only going to make her feel more alone.  It’s not fair to tell the mom whose baby is going to kindergarten that she’s overreacting and the fear is “normal”.  It’s not fair to tell the mom whose child is hurt or sick to just have faith and not to worry.  None of us know the pain that another mom is feeling, so holding her to the level of your pain isn’t fair to her.  No one should make another mom feel guilty because she feels things differently than you do. 

As moms we’re constantly worried.  “Did they eat enough?”  “Did they sleep enough?”  “Have I done everything I can to make sure they’re taken care of?”  “What do other people think of the way I’m parenting?”  Trust me – as a mom you know how to take care of your baby better than anyone else.  Trust your instincts.  Cuddle them a little longer if you want.  Let them cry it out if that’s what you want or need.  Don’t let anyone else tell you that you’re wrong or what your baby needs.  As a fellow mom, I say do what you need to do.  If that means crying, laughing, taking a night out away, asking for help – do what you need to do to cope. 

We’re all on this scary path of life, and by reaching out to other people we’re merely asking for support.  We’re looking for reassurance that we’re not alone, that somehow the people in our lives are going to reach out and lift us up when we feel helpless and scared.  The last thing we need is judgement and ridicule from those we’re seeking support from. 

So, to the new mom who is desperate for sleep, and for her baby to stop crying – vent or ask for help.  It’s not fair for me as a mom who has lost a child to tell you it’s not okay to feel how you feel.  Yes, I might be slightly jealous of your problem, but there will be zero judgement from me telling you that you shouldn’t feel that way. 

Being a mom is hard enough without the pressure of this world…especially pressure from other moms.  Send out love and you’ll be amazed at what you get back.  In the end, love always wins.  

Your Due Date

Today was your due date Isaac.  I knew this day would come, but I still feel so unprepared for it.  You should be here by now.  I should be cradling you in my arms, feeding you, being up all hours of the night with you, watching you sleep, and memorizing your tiny features.  And falling completely in love all over again. 

I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sad you’re not here.  I miss what should have been.  I miss what I had dreamed up for us. I know it’s silly, but with your due date passing I feel like I have to say goodbye all over again.  I feel like this goodbye is more final somehow. 

To add salt to the open wound I know several people who have had babies in the past few weeks, or that are due within the next week.  I’m not bitter towards them, and am actually happy for them, but it does make me feel like I’ve failed you even more somehow. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.  I’m sorry you never got to see the love we have for you on our faces.  I’m sorry I never got to see your smile or hear your giggle.  But, I’m hoping you felt how much you were loved when I would sing to you, or talk to you when we were alone.  I hope you know the love your dad had for you when he would kneel down and talk to you and tell you how excited he was to meet you.  I hope you felt the kisses your brother gave you every morning when I would leave for work.  I hope you know we prayed for you every night.  You were, and forever will be so loved sweet boy.

Happy due date my little one.  You’re thought about all of the time and you will never be forgotten.  

A month.

 It's been a month. 

A long emotional month since we lost you.  A month of denial, anger, and sadness.  A month of the worst pain of my life. A month of the darkest days imaginable. A month of feeling lonely when I was surrounded by people. 

A month since I was told I had to do the unimaginable and give birth to you.  Knowing I would never hear you cry or see you smile. Knowing I would never truly know you. 

A month of questions. Why us?  Why you?  What did we do wrong?  Why couldn't I save you?  Why were we given a perfect pregnancy and so much hope only to have it taken away?  Why can't we catch a break?  Why does it seem like everyone else has moved on and I don't know how?  

I don't have a single answer to those questions. Believe me I wish I did. Somehow, I think if I had any answers at all I'd feel better, but deep down I know that isn't true.

I feel like everyone is secretly watching me to see if I'm going to fall apart. The truth is they're not looking at me for that reason (I hope). They are probably just looking at me and feel bad that this happened and are sad for me, but don't have a clue what to say. Trust me, there's nothing anyone could say to make this any better.  Hell, I don't even know what to say. Other than this sucks and doesn't seem fair. 

But we're trying. Trying to move on. Taking one day at a time.  Trying to continue loving those around us.  Trying not to be afraid of what could happen next to someone else close to us. Trying to choose love instead of anger. 

And last but not least, we've seen that this has been a month of full of love, love poured out by so many people. Oh Isaac, you touched so many people in your short little life. If anything, your life showed us how many people completely surround us and let us lean on them. Without question. Without judgment. Without hesitation. 

I don't know the real reason you were taken from us, and I most likely never will.  But when we do see you again, sweet boy, know that you are loved. So, so loved. 

October

It’s the first day of October and I have extremely mixed feelings about it.  October is normally my favorite month in Indiana.  The leaves start changing, the air gets a little more crisp and colder, and it’s officially fall, which is my favorite season.

I have been looking forward to fall since we decided to move back to Indiana in January.  This would be the first time I would technically feel fall weather in ten years since we moved to CA.  That anticipation was only made better by finding out we were going to have baby number two in October as well. 

With the sudden loss of our son in September at 34 weeks pregnant, I’m feeling sad about this October as my due date approaches.  This was supposed to be the month our boy was born and our lives were forever changed again for the better.  However, now I’m just looking at the due date on the calendar filled with sadness.  Our lives were forever changed, just different.

 

About six weeks before we lost our son we were visiting a church and the pastor preached on Job.  That man had many trials and most people would have been angry at God, but he said to his angry wife in Job 2:10 “But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak.  Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”  It was unknown to me at the time why, but I saved that verse in my phone so I would remember it.  Well, fast forward six weeks, and while in the hospital I remembered that verse.  We can’t tell God to use us and then expect only good things as that’s not how it works.  I don’t know why this happened, and maybe never will, but I’m believing that good things can come from this somehow. 

There will most likely be some sad days surrounding the date that I’m dreading, but I refuse to let this keep me down.  There have been daily reminders that God is there for me and I’m not alone.  I just have to trust that better things are coming for us. 

So October, let’s be friends and make amazing memories to replace the sad ones that are already lingering.

Isaac

Isaac

I miss you every minute of every single day
I hate that I’ll never see you smile
I think of all the things I’ll never hear you say
I’d give anything to have you back even for just a little while

I hate that your brother never got to meet you
and that your grandparents never got to spoil you
I hate that your dad and I missed out on all of the memories
but somehow we will all make it through

You are in a better place
Even though that’s not how it feels
but we’re trying to get through this with grace
until one day the reason this happened is revealed

Watch over us and keep us safe, or at least try
and know you’re loved more than words could say
Even if there ever comes a day that we no longer cry
in our hearts you’ll forever stay

Normal?

Our house was filled with people for days after we got the horrible news of losing our son.  After a week or so the people started thinning out, and now things are back to “normal” as they’ve all gone home, and I’m back at work.  Sometimes it feels as though the world kept going and I’m stuck in this spot trying to figure out how to move on.  How do I figure out what my new normal is supposed to be?  I know that people still care immensely about Tom and I, as we’re still receiving cards daily with words of encouragement and love.  No one knows what to say, and honestly, there’s nothing anyone can say that will make this better.  No amount of words will ever take this pain away. 

This is the type of pain that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.  I actually don’t have any enemies that I know of, now that I think about it.  But, if I did have enemies, this is too horrible to wish on them.  I don’t know how to explain how it feels other than saying it feels like a small part of my heart died when Isaac did. 

I was worried while pregnant with Isaac that I wouldn’t be able to love him as much as I did Thomas.  I couldn’t imagine how that was even possible.  After having him, even with never meeting him it’s completely possible.  I’ve always heard that when you have another child it’s like another part of your heart opens up and the love comes pouring in.  I now strongly believe that’s how it happens. 

I also know that if we ever decide to have another baby that it won’t replace him.  I’ve already had people tell me this.  Don’t you think I realize that?  Nothing will ever bring my little boy back.  I know people have the best intentions and are trying to help, but saying that is just hurtful.  The thought of having another baby is just that right now; a thought.  And even having that thought brings me a tiny glimmer of hope.  And hope is what is helping me try to begin to move forward. 

There’s no handbook on how to move forward, or how to feel.  I sometimes wish there was, because that would help, but there’s not one because each person has to deal and grieve in their own way.  I’m doing the best I can.  Each morning when I wake up and get dressed and go throughout my day I’m doing the best I can.  There are moments I think I can’t do this anymore, but I have an amazing husband and little boy at home that both need me.  That’s keeping me going. 

The other thing that keeps me going is knowing that our little boy is safe and is being taken care of where he is.  God has him by his side, and I imagine telling him stories.  The stories I’ll never get to tell him.  I know God doesn’t make mistakes, and I may never know what the reason for losing my son is, but I have to believe that there is a reason.  I may not always like it, and I might get angry some days, but deep down I know that he’s in a better place.  He never felt pain, or at least I hope he didn’t. 

If you’re still reading, I’m sorry for the rambling.  But, if you are still reading I’ll leave you with this:  Life is too short to hold grudges or be upset with someone.  Forgive them and move on.  It’s not worth it.  Try to mend broken relationships, that person might be gone before you get the chance again.  Tell the people you love them as often as you can.  Tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone. 

Isaac – I carried you every second of your life and will love you every second for the rest of mine.