A month.

 It's been a month. 

A long emotional month since we lost you.  A month of denial, anger, and sadness.  A month of the worst pain of my life. A month of the darkest days imaginable. A month of feeling lonely when I was surrounded by people. 

A month since I was told I had to do the unimaginable and give birth to you.  Knowing I would never hear you cry or see you smile. Knowing I would never truly know you. 

A month of questions. Why us?  Why you?  What did we do wrong?  Why couldn't I save you?  Why were we given a perfect pregnancy and so much hope only to have it taken away?  Why can't we catch a break?  Why does it seem like everyone else has moved on and I don't know how?  

I don't have a single answer to those questions. Believe me I wish I did. Somehow, I think if I had any answers at all I'd feel better, but deep down I know that isn't true.

I feel like everyone is secretly watching me to see if I'm going to fall apart. The truth is they're not looking at me for that reason (I hope). They are probably just looking at me and feel bad that this happened and are sad for me, but don't have a clue what to say. Trust me, there's nothing anyone could say to make this any better.  Hell, I don't even know what to say. Other than this sucks and doesn't seem fair. 

But we're trying. Trying to move on. Taking one day at a time.  Trying to continue loving those around us.  Trying not to be afraid of what could happen next to someone else close to us. Trying to choose love instead of anger. 

And last but not least, we've seen that this has been a month of full of love, love poured out by so many people. Oh Isaac, you touched so many people in your short little life. If anything, your life showed us how many people completely surround us and let us lean on them. Without question. Without judgment. Without hesitation. 

I don't know the real reason you were taken from us, and I most likely never will.  But when we do see you again, sweet boy, know that you are loved. So, so loved.