As moms we’re all in different parts of our journey. Some are on the journey of having just lost a
child, some are at the part where their colicky baby won’t stop crying and they
feel helpless and desperate to calm their child, some are at the point where
their child is sick and they have to trust the doctors to make them better,
some are at the point where their child is starting kindergarten, and some are
at the point where their child has just gone away to college or moved out on
their own for the first time.
No matter what point you’re at in your journey know that
you’re not alone. You have people all
around you that want to love on you and give you support. All you have to do is have faith that you
won’t be told “deal with it”, or “if you knew what I was going through you
wouldn’t complain.”
Yes, I lost a baby recently when I was 34 weeks
pregnant. And, yes, it stings slightly
when I hear people complain in the store or see people complain on Facebook
about their lack of sleep due to a healthy baby. And yes, I have thought “they should feel
lucky their baby is alive to cry.” But,
after I started thinking about it on a deeper level I realized some things. Those moms don’t know the pain that I’ve
felt, and I can’t fault them for feeling the way they do. I need to step up beside them and love them
and help them through their difficult time, just as people have done for me
during mine.
It’s not fair to tell a new mom “don’t complain, at least
you have a healthy baby.” She is already
feeling so insecure in her ability as a mom that someone telling her she
shouldn’t feel that way is only going to make her feel more alone. It’s not fair to tell the mom whose baby is
going to kindergarten that she’s overreacting and the fear is “normal”. It’s not fair to tell the mom whose child is
hurt or sick to just have faith and not to worry. None of us know the pain that another mom is
feeling, so holding her to the level of your pain isn’t fair to her. No one should make another mom feel guilty
because she feels things differently than you do.
As moms we’re constantly worried. “Did they eat enough?” “Did they sleep enough?” “Have I done everything I can to make sure
they’re taken care of?” “What do other
people think of the way I’m parenting?”
Trust me – as a mom you know how to take care of your baby better than
anyone else. Trust your instincts. Cuddle them a little longer if you want. Let them cry it out if that’s what you want
or need. Don’t let anyone else tell you
that you’re wrong or what your baby needs.
As a fellow mom, I say do what you need to do. If that means crying, laughing, taking a
night out away, asking for help – do what you need to do to cope.
We’re all on this scary path of life, and by reaching out to
other people we’re merely asking for support.
We’re looking for reassurance that we’re not alone, that somehow the
people in our lives are going to reach out and lift us up when we feel helpless
and scared. The last thing we need is
judgement and ridicule from those we’re seeking support from.
So, to the new mom who is desperate for sleep, and for her
baby to stop crying – vent or ask for help.
It’s not fair for me as a mom who has lost a child to tell you it’s not
okay to feel how you feel. Yes, I might
be slightly jealous of your problem, but there will be zero judgement from me
telling you that you shouldn’t feel that way.
Being a mom is hard enough without the pressure of this
world…especially pressure from other moms.
Send out love and you’ll be amazed at what you get back. In the end, love always wins.
2 comments:
April, I loved reading your post. You are absolutely right on every point. Emotional pain I think is worse than physical pain. Emotions can stab you in the heart, take your breath away, consume every part of you where you cannot eat, sleep, think, or function. I share your experience with mine.
I remember very vividly the pain I endured when Nicholas was diagnosed with a cancerous tumor at 7 months old! How does a baby get a "grapefruit" size tumor in his chest cavity, and as his mom, I didn't know! All the signs were there... blue legs, blue arms... it went away when I massaged them. I figured his diaper was too tight, so I loosened it. He screamed when I put him in the car seat; he didn't like anything tight on his chest. Why didn't I know?? The final day I took him to a doctor's appointment before they discovered the tumor; Nicholas and I had been to the ER the night before from 9:00 pm till 6:00 am for breathing treatments that seemed to break-up whatever he had in his lungs. I remember Dr. Miller examining Nicholas; he listened to his lungs. Nicholas had a horrible rattle sound coming from his esophagus. Dr. Miller thought maybe he swallowed a Lego or small toy. I was insulted; I wouldn't let my baby swallow a small object! My parenting skills were offended. Dr. suggested we go to the hospital to have X-rays and to come back with the film for results. The look on the radiologist was petrifying; he wouldn't give me any information. As I entered the doctor's office with Nicholas and the x-rays, I was immediately called into the exam room. Four doctors where there with sullen expressions on their faces. I knew something was definitely wrong. Dr. Miller started talking first. He said there's a large tumor in Nicholas' his left chest cavity. It had pushed his trachea all the way over to his right chest; deflating his lung and pinching off the airway! No wonder he had a rattle in his throat! He couldn't breathe! The term I heard first was a Teratoma - a twin within a twin. Ewww... Another term was cancer. My head was spinning so fast, I couldn't comprehend anything they were telling me. The next step was to take Nicholas immediately to the ER - he was critical and needed emergency surgery. They didn't know if he would make it through the night. So many questions raced through my mind; why, how, when, where. I had two perfectly healthy sons at home. Why would this happen to Nicholas. Nicholas was admitted to the NICU. They hooked him up to everything imaginable. He didn't cry. He was too weak. I couldn't stay with him that night. There wasn't enough room for me. The doctor's suggested I go home and rest – “the next day would be hard with emergency surgery.” I left the NICU and raced to the Chapel at the hospital. For all the times I have prayed in my life, this time I needed to feel the comfort of a pew and the warmth of answered prayers. That was a long night, I barely slept. Family starting coming in town to support us. Phone calls were constant.
What do you say to people when they ask you if you need anything? I didn't know what I needed from them, all I knew was I wanted Nicholas to fight through this and be healthy. The outcome was amazing and all my prayers were answered. I brought my baby home on Thanksgiving day in "two" pieces. It was hard to hold him for several months. His incision was from the front of his chest to the back of his spine. He was bruised all over and screamed at night with post traumatic syndrome. I cried when he did. Several months the wounds healed and he became a "normal" child. All of the signs of his illness went away and life moved forward. Except for me. My emotions were frazzled and I hid my anger, fear, sadness, hurt, and mostly guilt. Nicholas' cancer, called Neuroblastoma, is caused as a fetal-developed cancer from a toxic pesticide that seeps in the water system. I drank tap water the whole time I was pregnant! It has taken me so many years to bury that guilt. Even today when I see Nicholas' scar, my heart breaks and I immediately go to that deep seeded place. I shared you my experience as a mom-to-mom. We all go through horrific times as moms when we don't think we'll make it. It’s different for a father. Moms are the ones who carried our babies in our bodies for 9 months. We get to feel a tiny baby kick and move about when no one else knows. You are an inspiration to me. You are strong, loving, caring, to everyone you meet. I am happy to call you my friend. My motherly advice to you would be, feel all the emotions you have and let them out. Cry, scream, yell. punch a pillow, kick, and fight! Be honest, and share your feelings with everyone. I really think your healing is coming through your Posts and I love them. You make me cry and smile, and they are so therapeutic and inspirational. We all love you April, Tom, and Thomas. Isaac is in our hearts and all around us. I really believe he will watch over his family and bless you with many things to come. Be aware of your surroundings and let him come to you. Talk to him every day and welcome the miracles you'll experience. You would be surprised at the miracles we miss when we're so busy with life. Thank you for being my friend.
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