Rough Day

Today was a tough day. A day I knew would come eventually, but was also so unprepared for. My coworker brought her beautiful 2-week old boy into work today. I knew they were coming and thought I was okay. I saw her and talked to her and thought "I got this," and thought I was super awesome. Oh how wrong I was. As soon as I heard our other co-workers oohing and ahhing over him I lost it. Not in a one little tear kind of way, but a tidal wave of tears that I couldn't control or recover from. So I did what any reasonable adult would do, and hid in the warehouse until they were gone. I am not upset at all at my co-worker, and am actually very excited and happy for her - I just wish it didn't have to hurt so bad.

While hiding out in said warehouse I was busy texting one of my best friends and realized how lucky I am to have so much support around me. There are so many people that love me and loved my sweet boy. So I'm holding onto that, and constantly praying for hope and having faith that I'm going to be okay.

Yes, today was extremely hard, but I'm not going to let one bad day hold me down. I've already come too far for that. So after my nap I'm going to pick myself back up and choose to keep going. One minute at a time.

Dear Fellow Moms

As moms we’re all in different parts of our journey.  Some are on the journey of having just lost a child, some are at the part where their colicky baby won’t stop crying and they feel helpless and desperate to calm their child, some are at the point where their child is sick and they have to trust the doctors to make them better, some are at the point where their child is starting kindergarten, and some are at the point where their child has just gone away to college or moved out on their own for the first time. 

No matter what point you’re at in your journey know that you’re not alone.  You have people all around you that want to love on you and give you support.  All you have to do is have faith that you won’t be told “deal with it”, or “if you knew what I was going through you wouldn’t complain.” 

Yes, I lost a baby recently when I was 34 weeks pregnant.  And, yes, it stings slightly when I hear people complain in the store or see people complain on Facebook about their lack of sleep due to a healthy baby.  And yes, I have thought “they should feel lucky their baby is alive to cry.”  But, after I started thinking about it on a deeper level I realized some things.  Those moms don’t know the pain that I’ve felt, and I can’t fault them for feeling the way they do.  I need to step up beside them and love them and help them through their difficult time, just as people have done for me during mine. 

It’s not fair to tell a new mom “don’t complain, at least you have a healthy baby.”  She is already feeling so insecure in her ability as a mom that someone telling her she shouldn’t feel that way is only going to make her feel more alone.  It’s not fair to tell the mom whose baby is going to kindergarten that she’s overreacting and the fear is “normal”.  It’s not fair to tell the mom whose child is hurt or sick to just have faith and not to worry.  None of us know the pain that another mom is feeling, so holding her to the level of your pain isn’t fair to her.  No one should make another mom feel guilty because she feels things differently than you do. 

As moms we’re constantly worried.  “Did they eat enough?”  “Did they sleep enough?”  “Have I done everything I can to make sure they’re taken care of?”  “What do other people think of the way I’m parenting?”  Trust me – as a mom you know how to take care of your baby better than anyone else.  Trust your instincts.  Cuddle them a little longer if you want.  Let them cry it out if that’s what you want or need.  Don’t let anyone else tell you that you’re wrong or what your baby needs.  As a fellow mom, I say do what you need to do.  If that means crying, laughing, taking a night out away, asking for help – do what you need to do to cope. 

We’re all on this scary path of life, and by reaching out to other people we’re merely asking for support.  We’re looking for reassurance that we’re not alone, that somehow the people in our lives are going to reach out and lift us up when we feel helpless and scared.  The last thing we need is judgement and ridicule from those we’re seeking support from. 

So, to the new mom who is desperate for sleep, and for her baby to stop crying – vent or ask for help.  It’s not fair for me as a mom who has lost a child to tell you it’s not okay to feel how you feel.  Yes, I might be slightly jealous of your problem, but there will be zero judgement from me telling you that you shouldn’t feel that way. 

Being a mom is hard enough without the pressure of this world…especially pressure from other moms.  Send out love and you’ll be amazed at what you get back.  In the end, love always wins.  

Your Due Date

Today was your due date Isaac.  I knew this day would come, but I still feel so unprepared for it.  You should be here by now.  I should be cradling you in my arms, feeding you, being up all hours of the night with you, watching you sleep, and memorizing your tiny features.  And falling completely in love all over again. 

I don’t know what to say other than I’m so sad you’re not here.  I miss what should have been.  I miss what I had dreamed up for us. I know it’s silly, but with your due date passing I feel like I have to say goodbye all over again.  I feel like this goodbye is more final somehow. 

To add salt to the open wound I know several people who have had babies in the past few weeks, or that are due within the next week.  I’m not bitter towards them, and am actually happy for them, but it does make me feel like I’ve failed you even more somehow. 

I’m sorry I couldn’t keep you safe.  I’m sorry you never got to see the love we have for you on our faces.  I’m sorry I never got to see your smile or hear your giggle.  But, I’m hoping you felt how much you were loved when I would sing to you, or talk to you when we were alone.  I hope you know the love your dad had for you when he would kneel down and talk to you and tell you how excited he was to meet you.  I hope you felt the kisses your brother gave you every morning when I would leave for work.  I hope you know we prayed for you every night.  You were, and forever will be so loved sweet boy.

Happy due date my little one.  You’re thought about all of the time and you will never be forgotten.  

A month.

 It's been a month. 

A long emotional month since we lost you.  A month of denial, anger, and sadness.  A month of the worst pain of my life. A month of the darkest days imaginable. A month of feeling lonely when I was surrounded by people. 

A month since I was told I had to do the unimaginable and give birth to you.  Knowing I would never hear you cry or see you smile. Knowing I would never truly know you. 

A month of questions. Why us?  Why you?  What did we do wrong?  Why couldn't I save you?  Why were we given a perfect pregnancy and so much hope only to have it taken away?  Why can't we catch a break?  Why does it seem like everyone else has moved on and I don't know how?  

I don't have a single answer to those questions. Believe me I wish I did. Somehow, I think if I had any answers at all I'd feel better, but deep down I know that isn't true.

I feel like everyone is secretly watching me to see if I'm going to fall apart. The truth is they're not looking at me for that reason (I hope). They are probably just looking at me and feel bad that this happened and are sad for me, but don't have a clue what to say. Trust me, there's nothing anyone could say to make this any better.  Hell, I don't even know what to say. Other than this sucks and doesn't seem fair. 

But we're trying. Trying to move on. Taking one day at a time.  Trying to continue loving those around us.  Trying not to be afraid of what could happen next to someone else close to us. Trying to choose love instead of anger. 

And last but not least, we've seen that this has been a month of full of love, love poured out by so many people. Oh Isaac, you touched so many people in your short little life. If anything, your life showed us how many people completely surround us and let us lean on them. Without question. Without judgment. Without hesitation. 

I don't know the real reason you were taken from us, and I most likely never will.  But when we do see you again, sweet boy, know that you are loved. So, so loved. 

October

It’s the first day of October and I have extremely mixed feelings about it.  October is normally my favorite month in Indiana.  The leaves start changing, the air gets a little more crisp and colder, and it’s officially fall, which is my favorite season.

I have been looking forward to fall since we decided to move back to Indiana in January.  This would be the first time I would technically feel fall weather in ten years since we moved to CA.  That anticipation was only made better by finding out we were going to have baby number two in October as well. 

With the sudden loss of our son in September at 34 weeks pregnant, I’m feeling sad about this October as my due date approaches.  This was supposed to be the month our boy was born and our lives were forever changed again for the better.  However, now I’m just looking at the due date on the calendar filled with sadness.  Our lives were forever changed, just different.

 

About six weeks before we lost our son we were visiting a church and the pastor preached on Job.  That man had many trials and most people would have been angry at God, but he said to his angry wife in Job 2:10 “But he said to her, “You speak as one of the foolish women would speak.  Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”  It was unknown to me at the time why, but I saved that verse in my phone so I would remember it.  Well, fast forward six weeks, and while in the hospital I remembered that verse.  We can’t tell God to use us and then expect only good things as that’s not how it works.  I don’t know why this happened, and maybe never will, but I’m believing that good things can come from this somehow. 

There will most likely be some sad days surrounding the date that I’m dreading, but I refuse to let this keep me down.  There have been daily reminders that God is there for me and I’m not alone.  I just have to trust that better things are coming for us. 

So October, let’s be friends and make amazing memories to replace the sad ones that are already lingering.